Lesson 8
Family Life That Pleases God
What is the husband’s position in the family? (1)
How should a husband treat his wife? (2)
What responsibilities does a father have? (3)
What is the wife’s role in the family? (4)
What does God require of parents and of children? (5)
What is the Bible’s view of separation and of divorce? (6, 7)
1. The Bible says that a husband is the head of his family. (1 Corinthians 11:3) A husband must have only one wife. They should be properly married in the eyes of the law.-1 Timothy 3:2; Titus 3:1.
2. A husband should love his wife just as he loves himself. He should treat her the way Jesus treats his followers. (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29) He should never hit his wife or mistreat her in any way. Rather, he should show her honor and respect.-Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7.
3. A father should work hard to care for his family. He must provide food, clothing, and housing for his wife and children. A father must also provide for his family’s spiritual needs. (1 Timothy 5:8) He takes the lead in helping his family to learn about God and His purposes.-Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Ephesians 6:4.
4. A wife should be a good helper for her husband. (Genesis 2:18) She should assist her husband in teaching and training their children. (Proverbs 1:8) Jehovah requires a wife to care for her family lovingly. (Proverbs 31:10, 15, 26, 27; Titus 2:4, 5) She should have deep respect for her husband.-Ephesians 5:22, 23, 33.
5. God requires children to obey their parents. (Ephesians 6:1-3) He expects parents to instruct and correct their children. Parents need to spend time with their children and study the Bible with them, caring for their spiritual and emotional needs. (Deuteronomy 11:18, 19; Proverbs 22:6, 15) Parents should never discipline their children in a harsh or cruel way.-Colossians 3:21.
6. When marriage mates have problems getting along together, they should try to apply Bible counsel. The Bible urges us to show love and to be forgiving. (Colossians 3:12-14) God’s Word does not encourage separation as a way to solve minor problems. But a wife might choose to leave her husband if (1) he stubbornly refuses to support his family, (2) he is so violent that her health and life are in danger, or (3) his extreme opposition makes it impossible for her to worship Jehovah.-1 Corinthians 7:12, 13.
7. Marriage mates must be faithful to each other. Adultery is a sin against God and against one’s mate. (Hebrews 13:4) Sex relations outside the marriage is the only Scriptural ground for divorce allowing for remarriage. (Matthew 19:6-9; Romans 7:2, 3) Jehovah hates it when people get divorced without Scriptural grounds and marry someone else.-Malachi 2:14-16.
[Pictures on page 16, 17]
A loving father provides for his family materially and spiritually
[Picture on page 17]
God expects parents to instruct their children and to correct them
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Family and Communication
Would you like other valuable aids for your family? You may obtain either or all of the following by writing to Watch Tower, using the appropriate address on the next page.
My Book of Bible Stories. This volume of large-sized pages (about 7?x 9?) contains 116 accounts taken from the Bible. They appear in the order of their historical occurrence. The book is especially designed for young children. Even children too young to read can benefit from the book’s more than 125 beautiful illustrations. Yellow-gold cover, with embossed red title, 256 pages, extra-large type, fine-quality paper.
Listening to the Great Teacher. This book is also designed for young children. It employs teaching methods that draw children and parents together and makes learning a pleasure. The principal objective of this book is to teach children the Bible’s high moral standards. By instructing young ones in right principles of living, you will really help them to cope with present-day problems. Delightfully illustrated, large print, easily understood wording, hardbound, pocket-size, 192 pages.
Questions Young People Ask-Answers That Work. This book will help teenagers to counteract the immoral influences of today’s world. Dishonesty, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual morality, dating and courtship are some of the subjects under discussion. Hardbound, 320 pages.
My Book of Bible Stories. This volume of large-sized pages (about 7?x 9?) contains 116 accounts taken from the Bible. They appear in the order of their historical occurrence. The book is especially designed for young children. Even children too young to read can benefit from the book’s more than 125 beautiful illustrations. Yellow-gold cover, with embossed red title, 256 pages, extra-large type, fine-quality paper.
Listening to the Great Teacher. This book is also designed for young children. It employs teaching methods that draw children and parents together and makes learning a pleasure. The principal objective of this book is to teach children the Bible’s high moral standards. By instructing young ones in right principles of living, you will really help them to cope with present-day problems. Delightfully illustrated, large print, easily understood wording, hardbound, pocket-size, 192 pages.
Questions Young People Ask-Answers That Work. This book will help teenagers to counteract the immoral influences of today’s world. Dishonesty, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual morality, dating and courtship are some of the subjects under discussion. Hardbound, 320 pages.
Young People Publications
Would you like other valuable aids for your family? You may obtain either or all of the following by writing to Watch Tower, using the appropriate address on the next page.
My Book of Bible Stories. This volume of large-sized pages (about 7?x 9?) contains 116 accounts taken from the Bible. They appear in the order of their historical occurrence. The book is especially designed for young children. Even children too young to read can benefit from the book’s more than 125 beautiful illustrations. Yellow-gold cover, with embossed red title, 256 pages, extra-large type, fine-quality paper.
Listening to the Great Teacher. This book is also designed for young children. It employs teaching methods that draw children and parents together and makes learning a pleasure. The principal objective of this book is to teach children the Bible’s high moral standards. By instructing young ones in right principles of living, you will really help them to cope with present-day problems. Delightfully illustrated, large print, easily understood wording, hardbound, pocket-size, 192 pages.
Questions Young People Ask-Answers That Work. This book will help teenagers to counteract the immoral influences of today’s world. Dishonesty, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual morality, dating and courtship are some of the subjects under discussion. Hardbound, 320 pages.
My Book of Bible Stories. This volume of large-sized pages (about 7?x 9?) contains 116 accounts taken from the Bible. They appear in the order of their historical occurrence. The book is especially designed for young children. Even children too young to read can benefit from the book’s more than 125 beautiful illustrations. Yellow-gold cover, with embossed red title, 256 pages, extra-large type, fine-quality paper.
Listening to the Great Teacher. This book is also designed for young children. It employs teaching methods that draw children and parents together and makes learning a pleasure. The principal objective of this book is to teach children the Bible’s high moral standards. By instructing young ones in right principles of living, you will really help them to cope with present-day problems. Delightfully illustrated, large print, easily understood wording, hardbound, pocket-size, 192 pages.
Questions Young People Ask-Answers That Work. This book will help teenagers to counteract the immoral influences of today’s world. Dishonesty, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual morality, dating and courtship are some of the subjects under discussion. Hardbound, 320 pages.
Wifely Duties
A Wife Who Is Dearly Loved
ONE woman complained to another, ‘I know my husband loves me, but he never says it. Oh, occasionally, if I drag it out of him, but it would mean so much more if he would say it without my prompting.’
2 The other woman replied, ‘I know. That’s the way men are. One time I asked my husband if he loved me, and he said, "I married you, didn’t I? I support you, I live with you; I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love you."’
3 She paused a moment, then continued: ‘However, something very touching happened the other evening. During the day I was cleaning in his study, and in one of his desk drawers I saw a snapshot. It was one I had shown him from an old family album of mine. It was of me in a bathing suit when I was seven years old. He had pulled it out of the album and put it in his desk drawer.’
4 She smiled as she recalled this, then looked at her friend. ‘I confronted him with it that evening when he got home from work. He took the snapshot in his hand and smiled, and said, "I cherish this little girl." Then he laid it down and took my face in both his hands and said, "I cherish what she became, too." And he kissed me very tenderly. It brought tears to my eyes.’
5 A wife who knows that she is very dear to her husband feels warm and safe inside. God’s Word counsels men to have such love for their wives. "Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, . . . the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:28, 29, 31) As we have already discussed, the wife is to have deep respect for her husband, but the husband ought to conduct himself in such a way as to earn that respect. The same holds true in this case where your husband is counseled to love and cherish you: Conduct yourself in ways that impel him to do so from the heart.
DO YOU GIVE SUPPORT?
6 For a wife to be dearly loved, more is required than mere submission under her husband’s headship. He could have a horse or a dog that is well trained and submissive to him. Adam had animals with him in the garden of Eden, and they were in subjection to him. But he was still alone as to his kind. He needed an intelligent human companion that would be a complement of him and a helper to work with him: "It is not good for the man to continue by himself," Jehovah God said. "I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him."-Genesis 2:18.
7 What a husband needs is a wife who not only loves and respects him but also is a real helper, supporting him in the decisions that he makes. This is not difficult when decisions are mutually agreed upon after discussion together. But it may not be so easy if you were not consulted or if you do not happen to agree. In such a case could you loyally support your husband-do your best to make his decision work, provided it is not some illegal or unscriptural activity? Or would you be inclined to hold back stubbornly, hoping to see him fail so you could say, ‘I told you so’? If he sees you working hard for the success of the project, in spite of your misgivings, don’t you think such loyal support on your part will cause him to love you all the more?
8 Above all, don’t try to usurp his headship! If you succeed, you won’t like him; and he won’t like you or himself. Maybe he does not take the lead as he should. Can you encourage him to do so? Do you express appreciation for any effort he makes at taking the lead? Do you cooperate with and encourage him when he does show some initiative, or do you tell him that he is wrong, that his plan won’t work? Sometimes a wife must share the blame if her husband doesn’t take the lead-for example, if she belittles his ideas or opposes his efforts, or gives the I-told-you-it-wouldn’t-work response when the project falls short of perfection. This can eventually produce an uncertain, indecisive husband. On the other hand, your loyalty and support, your trust and confidence in him, will strengthen him and contribute to his success.
"A CAPABLE WIFE"
9 To be a wife who is dearly loved, you also need to care well for your responsibilities in the home. Of such a woman the Bible says: "Her value is far more than that of corals." (Proverbs 31:10) Are you such a wife? Do you want to be?
10 When discussing the activities of a "capable wife," the book of Proverbs reports: "She also gets up while it is still night, and gives food to her household." (Proverbs 31:15) Many young women start off married life with a handicap because their mothers did not teach them how to cook; but they can learn. And a wise woman will learn how to do it well! Cooking is an art. When a meal is prepared well, it not only fills the stomach but also brings response from the heart.
11 There is much that can be learned about preparing food. It is beneficial to become informed on the basics of nutrition so that you can safeguard the health of your family. But simply setting nutritious food before your husband is not necessarily going to win his praise. The Bible tells us that Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, knew how to prepare food in a "tasty" manner, in such a way that her husband was fond of it. (Genesis 27:14) Many wives could benefit from her example.
12 In some parts of the world women go to the market every morning to get the things that they need for the day. Elsewhere, they shop perhaps once a week and keep the perishables refrigerated. Whatever the case, a man cannot help but appreciate a wife who uses household funds carefully, and who respects the family budget. If she learns how to identify food and clothing that are of good quality, and knows their value, she will not always buy the first thing she sees. Rather, as Proverbs 31:14 says: "She has proved to be like the ships of a merchant. From far away she brings in her food."
13 That conscientious concern about her work also needs to be reflected in the condition of her home. In commenting further on what identifies a wife as being capable, Proverbs 31:27 says: "She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat." Making it a habit to sleep late, spending excessive amounts of time in idle chatter with the neighbors-these are not for her. Although illness or unforeseen circumstances may at times cause her to fall behind in her housework, her home will generally be neat and clean. Her husband can be confident that, if friends come to visit, he will not be embarrassed by the appearance of their home.
14 Most women do not need to be told that it is also important to give attention to their personal appearance, but some do need a reminder. It is not easy to feel affection for someone whose appearance shows that she doesn’t think much of herself. The Bible recommends that women "adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind." But it also counsels against putting too much emphasis on hairstyling, jewelry and expensive garments that draw undue attention to the wearer.-1 Timothy 2:9.
15 Of far greater value than such attire is the disposition of the one who wears it. The apostle Peter tells Christian wives that a "quiet and mild spirit . . . is of great value in the eyes of God." (1 Peter 3:3, 4) And Proverbs, when enumerating the traits of a capable wife, adds that "her hands she has thrust out to the poor one" and that "the law ofshe has thrust out to the poor onetitthe law ofshe has thrust outtthe ltthe law ofshe has thrust out to the poor onetingtthe law ofshe has ttthe law ofshe has thrust outtthe law ofshe has thrust out to the poor oneting the traits of a capable wife, adds that postle Peter telttthe law ofshe htœ™œ™-"Š‡„~{xuUc-"Š‡„~{xuUc-you have ascended above them all." (Proverbs 31:28, 29) And without a lot of prompting, he will be moved to let his wife know that he feels that way.
YOUR VIEW OF SEX MAKES A DIFFERENCE
17 Unsatisfactory sexual relations are at the root of many marriage problems. In some cases this is due to the husband’s lack of consideration and understanding of his wife’s physical and emotional needs, and in other cases it is the wife’s failure to share physically or emotionally in the experience with her husband. The sex act, willingly and warmly participated in by both husband and wife, should be an intimate expression of the love that they feel for each other.
18 Frigidity in a wife may be due to a lack of consideration by her husband, but a wife’s indifference also hurts the husband, and a show of distaste may kill his potency or even cause him to feel attracted to someone else. If the wife merely submits, with a couldn’t-care-less attitude, the husband may interpret this as evidence that his wife doesn’t care for him. Emotions rule sexual responsiveness, and if the wife is unresponsive she may need to review her own attitude toward sex.
19 The Bible counsels both husband and wife not to "be depriving each other of it." God’s Word makes no allowance for using sex as a means of punishing one’s mate or expressing resentment, as in a wife’s denying it to her husband for weeks or even months. Just as he is to "render to his wife her due," she is also to "do likewise to her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) This does not mean that a wife should be expected to submit to some abnormal act that she finds morally repugnant, and a husband who loves and respects his wife would not require her to do so. "Love . . . does not behave indecently." (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) It should not be necessary to ask someone outside the marriage union to rule on the propriety or impropriety of the couple’s conduct. The Bible, at 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, clearly enumerates practices forbidden to worshipers of Jehovah God: fornication, adultery, homosexuality. (Compare also Leviticus 18:1-23.) Some modern liberals practicing a "new morality"-actually immorality-clamor for acceptance of some of these forbidden sexual acts, while others who are very conservative would add to these prohibitions. The Bible gives the balanced view. Generally speaking, if all the other relationships in the marriage are good, if there are love, respect, good communication and understanding, then sex will seldom be a problem.
20 A wife who is dearly loved does not use sex for bargaining purposes. Certainly not all wives bargain with sex, but some do. In ways that may be subtle they use sex to gain concessions from their husbands. What is the result? Well, you don’t feel tender affection for the person who sells you a dress, do you? Neither does a husband feel tender affection for a wife who trades sex for concessions from him. The woman who does it may gain materially, but she loses emotionally and spiritually.
THE WEEPERS, THE NAGGERS
21 Samson was a strong man, but he could not bear up under the pressure of women who used weeping or nagging to get their way. On one occasion he was confronted with a siege of weeping from the woman who was to become his wife. As recorded at Judges 14:16, 17, she "began to weep over him and to say: ‘You only hate me, you do, and you do not love me. There was a riddle that you propounded to the sons of my people, but to me you have not told it.’ At this he said to her: ‘Why, to my own father and my own mother I have not told it, and ought I to tell it to you?’" Samson’s appeal to logic did not work. It seldom does when emotions are running high. "She kept weeping over him the seven days that the banquet continued for them, and it came about on the seventh day that finally he told her, because she had pressured him. Then she told the riddle to the sons of her people."
22 Do not think your husband does not love you just because he does not always give you your own way. Samson’s wife-to-be accused him of not loving her, but in actuality she was the one give you your own way. Samsonc"It came about that because she pressured him with her words all the time and kept urging him, his soul got to be impatient to the point of dying." The final results were tragic.-Judges 16:16.
24 Weeping and nagging are not wise. They are damaging to a marriage. They alienate a husband. The Bible warns against such practices, as in the following scriptures quoted from The New English Bible: "He who harps on something breaks up friendship." "A nagging wife is like water dripping endlessly." "Better to live alone in the desert than with a nagging and ill-tempered wife." "Endless dripping on a rainy day-that is what a nagging wife is like. As well try to control the wind as to control her! As well try to pick up oil in one’s fingers!"-Proverbs 17:9; 19:13; 21:19; 27:15, 16.
25 Why do the Scriptures single out the wife for this counsel? Probably because women are generally more emotional and more inclined to give vent to their feelings, especially when they are disturbed about something. Also, they may feel it is the only weapon they have. As head of the house a husband may arbitrarily have his way, so the wife may feel that she must resort to putting on emotional pressure. You, the wife, should not indulge in such tactics, and your husband should not make you feel forced to do so.
26 True, there may be times when you don’t feel well, and perhaps you find yourself giving way to tears, even when you wish you wouldn’t. But that is quite different from employing highly charged emotional scenes simply to get your own way.
27 If they truly love their wives, most husbands will favor their wives more than they do themselves, where personal preferences are involved. Please your husband, and he will likely seek opportunities to please you.
"A TIME TO KEEP QUIET AND A TIME TO SPEAK"
28 Many wives complain, ‘My husband never talks to me.’ The fault may be his. However, many times a husband would like to talk with his wife, but she doesn’t make it easy for him. In what way? Not all women are alike. But ask yourself whether you fit one of these descriptions:
29 The first is a woman who has no trouble at all in talking with other women in the neighborhood. But what is her style? When the other woman stops for a breath, she breaks in. She may throw in a couple of questions, or she may take off on an entirely different subject. Soon the one interrupted cuts in and again carries the conversational ball for a while. Neither one seems to mind this conversational free-for-all.
30 Now her husband comes home, and he has some news to tell. As he enters the door, he starts out, ‘You’ll never guess what happened at work . . .’ He never gets any farther. She interrupts him with, ‘How did you get that spot on your coat? Be careful where you walk. I just cleaned the floor.’ He may hesitate to take up his story again.
31 Or, perhaps they are conversing with friends and he is relating an experience, but he leaves out some of the details or doesn’t get them all exactly right. His wife cuts in, first to correct the flaws, then to round out the story. Before long he takes a deep breath and says, ‘Why don’t you tell it?’
32 Another woman is the kind who encourages her husband to talk. Trying to appear casual, but bursting with curiosity, she asks: ‘Where were you?’ ‘Who was there?’ ‘What happened?’ Not the routine things of life, but those that seem to be more confidential, are the ones that intrigue her. She pieces together the bits of information that she can glean and fills in the gaps with a bit of imagination. Perhaps some of it is information her husband should not have divulged. Other things may have been appropriate for discussion with his wife, but they were told in confidence. If she now talks about this to others, the confidence has been broken. "Do not reveal the confidential talk of another," Proverbs 25:9 warns. But if she did, it may cause problems. How free will he feel about talking to her in the future?
33 Yet a third kind of woman is not much of a talker herself. She knows how to do the necessary work around the house, but she seldom has more than a few words to say. Anyone who tries to converse with her has to do all the talking. Perhaps she is timid, or it may be that she had little opportunity for education when she was a child. Regardless of the cause, efforts at conversation with her fall flat.
34 But changes can be made. The art of conversation can be learned. If a woman does, not only her housework, but also worthwhile reading and kind deeds for other people, she will have upbuilding things to share with her mate. And successful conversation requires sharing. It also requires respect-enough respect to let him finish what he is saying, to let him say it in his own way, and to know when there is a confidence to be kept. As Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there is "a time to keep quiet and a time to speak."
35 Therefore, instead of complaining that your husband seldom talks to you, why not try to make it a pleasure for him to do so? Be interested in the things that he does. Listen intently when he speaks. Let your response reflect the warm love and deep respect that you have for him. Be sure that the things you talk most about are of a positive, upbuilding nature. You may soon find that conversation is a pleasure to both of you.
"WON WITHOUT A WORD"
36 At times, actions speak louder than words, and especially so with husbands who are not fellow believers of God’s Word. Of them the apostle Peter said: "They may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect." (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Many a nonbelieving husband has complained that his wife is always "preaching" to him, and he resents it. In contrast, others have become believers by seeing the change that the truth of God’s Word has made in their wives. People are often more impressed by seeing a sermon than by hearing one.
37 When you speak to your unbelieving mate, "let your utterance be always with graciousness," in good taste, or "seasoned with salt," as the scripture puts it. There is a time to speak. "As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it," the Bible says. Is he discouraged about something? Maybe things went wrong at work. A few understanding words might be treasured by him right now. "Pleasant sayings are . . . sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones." (Colossians 4:6; Proverbs 25:11; 16:24) Or, depending on the situation, just to slip your hand into his may say it all: I understand, I’m on your side, I’ll help if I can.
38 Even though he is not one with you in your faith, God’s Word shows that you are still to be in subjection to him. Your good conduct may in time win him over, so that he shares your faith. What a happy day that would be! And if that time comes, he will realize that he has more reasons to love you than he ever knew. Because your devotion, coupled with firmness for what you knew to be right, will have helped him to lay hold of "the real life."-1 Corinthians 7:13-16; 1 Timothy 6:19.
39 The Scriptures encourage Christian wives, whether their husbands are believers or nonbelievers, "to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home, good, subjecting themselves to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be spoken of abusively."-Titus 2:4, 5.
40 If you, the wife, do this to the best of your ability, you will be dearly loved, not only by your husband, but also by Jehovah God.
[Study Questions]
1-4. What complaint do women at times make about husbands’ assuring them of their love?
5. To be dearly loved by her husband, how should a wife conduct herself?
6, 7. (a) At Genesis 2:18, for what role did Jehovah say that he made woman? (b) In order for a wife to be a real helper to her husband, what is required of her?
8. How can a wife encourage her husband to exercise proper headship?
9. What does Proverbs 31:10 say about a capable wife?
10, 11. How might a wife show that she fits the description of Proverbs 31:15?
12. What could be included in a woman’s acting in harmony with Proverbs 31:14?
13. According to Proverbs 31:27, what can be expected from a capable wife in connection with care of the home?
14, 15. What is the Bible’s counsel to women respecting attire and adornment?
16. How will an appreciative husband feel about such a wife?
17, 18. How can the wife’s view of sex affect how her husband feels about her?
19. (a) How does the Bible show that it would be wrong to deny sex relations to one’s mate for extended periods of time? (b) Why should it not eny sex relations to one]
36-38. What are some ways to reach the heart of a mate who is not a fellow believer?
39, 40. What qualities, listed at Titus 2:4, 5, make a wife precious, not only to her husband, but also to Jehovah?
[Picture on page 57]
"A Capable wife . . . her value is far more than that of corals."-Proverbs 31:10.
[Picture on page 64]
The women in Samson’s life
ONE woman complained to another, ‘I know my husband loves me, but he never says it. Oh, occasionally, if I drag it out of him, but it would mean so much more if he would say it without my prompting.’
2 The other woman replied, ‘I know. That’s the way men are. One time I asked my husband if he loved me, and he said, "I married you, didn’t I? I support you, I live with you; I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love you."’
3 She paused a moment, then continued: ‘However, something very touching happened the other evening. During the day I was cleaning in his study, and in one of his desk drawers I saw a snapshot. It was one I had shown him from an old family album of mine. It was of me in a bathing suit when I was seven years old. He had pulled it out of the album and put it in his desk drawer.’
4 She smiled as she recalled this, then looked at her friend. ‘I confronted him with it that evening when he got home from work. He took the snapshot in his hand and smiled, and said, "I cherish this little girl." Then he laid it down and took my face in both his hands and said, "I cherish what she became, too." And he kissed me very tenderly. It brought tears to my eyes.’
5 A wife who knows that she is very dear to her husband feels warm and safe inside. God’s Word counsels men to have such love for their wives. "Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, . . . the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:28, 29, 31) As we have already discussed, the wife is to have deep respect for her husband, but the husband ought to conduct himself in such a way as to earn that respect. The same holds true in this case where your husband is counseled to love and cherish you: Conduct yourself in ways that impel him to do so from the heart.
DO YOU GIVE SUPPORT?
6 For a wife to be dearly loved, more is required than mere submission under her husband’s headship. He could have a horse or a dog that is well trained and submissive to him. Adam had animals with him in the garden of Eden, and they were in subjection to him. But he was still alone as to his kind. He needed an intelligent human companion that would be a complement of him and a helper to work with him: "It is not good for the man to continue by himself," Jehovah God said. "I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him."-Genesis 2:18.
7 What a husband needs is a wife who not only loves and respects him but also is a real helper, supporting him in the decisions that he makes. This is not difficult when decisions are mutually agreed upon after discussion together. But it may not be so easy if you were not consulted or if you do not happen to agree. In such a case could you loyally support your husband-do your best to make his decision work, provided it is not some illegal or unscriptural activity? Or would you be inclined to hold back stubbornly, hoping to see him fail so you could say, ‘I told you so’? If he sees you working hard for the success of the project, in spite of your misgivings, don’t you think such loyal support on your part will cause him to love you all the more?
8 Above all, don’t try to usurp his headship! If you succeed, you won’t like him; and he won’t like you or himself. Maybe he does not take the lead as he should. Can you encourage him to do so? Do you express appreciation for any effort he makes at taking the lead? Do you cooperate with and encourage him when he does show some initiative, or do you tell him that he is wrong, that his plan won’t work? Sometimes a wife must share the blame if her husband doesn’t take the lead-for example, if she belittles his ideas or opposes his efforts, or gives the I-told-you-it-wouldn’t-work response when the project falls short of perfection. This can eventually produce an uncertain, indecisive husband. On the other hand, your loyalty and support, your trust and confidence in him, will strengthen him and contribute to his success.
"A CAPABLE WIFE"
9 To be a wife who is dearly loved, you also need to care well for your responsibilities in the home. Of such a woman the Bible says: "Her value is far more than that of corals." (Proverbs 31:10) Are you such a wife? Do you want to be?
10 When discussing the activities of a "capable wife," the book of Proverbs reports: "She also gets up while it is still night, and gives food to her household." (Proverbs 31:15) Many young women start off married life with a handicap because their mothers did not teach them how to cook; but they can learn. And a wise woman will learn how to do it well! Cooking is an art. When a meal is prepared well, it not only fills the stomach but also brings response from the heart.
11 There is much that can be learned about preparing food. It is beneficial to become informed on the basics of nutrition so that you can safeguard the health of your family. But simply setting nutritious food before your husband is not necessarily going to win his praise. The Bible tells us that Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, knew how to prepare food in a "tasty" manner, in such a way that her husband was fond of it. (Genesis 27:14) Many wives could benefit from her example.
12 In some parts of the world women go to the market every morning to get the things that they need for the day. Elsewhere, they shop perhaps once a week and keep the perishables refrigerated. Whatever the case, a man cannot help but appreciate a wife who uses household funds carefully, and who respects the family budget. If she learns how to identify food and clothing that are of good quality, and knows their value, she will not always buy the first thing she sees. Rather, as Proverbs 31:14 says: "She has proved to be like the ships of a merchant. From far away she brings in her food."
13 That conscientious concern about her work also needs to be reflected in the condition of her home. In commenting further on what identifies a wife as being capable, Proverbs 31:27 says: "She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat." Making it a habit to sleep late, spending excessive amounts of time in idle chatter with the neighbors-these are not for her. Although illness or unforeseen circumstances may at times cause her to fall behind in her housework, her home will generally be neat and clean. Her husband can be confident that, if friends come to visit, he will not be embarrassed by the appearance of their home.
14 Most women do not need to be told that it is also important to give attention to their personal appearance, but some do need a reminder. It is not easy to feel affection for someone whose appearance shows that she doesn’t think much of herself. The Bible recommends that women "adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind." But it also counsels against putting too much emphasis on hairstyling, jewelry and expensive garments that draw undue attention to the wearer.-1 Timothy 2:9.
15 Of far greater value than such attire is the disposition of the one who wears it. The apostle Peter tells Christian wives that a "quiet and mild spirit . . . is of great value in the eyes of God." (1 Peter 3:3, 4) And Proverbs, when enumerating the traits of a capable wife, adds that "her hands she has thrust out to the poor one" and that "the law ofshe has thrust out to the poor onetitthe law ofshe has thrust outtthe ltthe law ofshe has thrust out to the poor onetingtthe law ofshe has ttthe law ofshe has thrust outtthe law ofshe has thrust out to the poor oneting the traits of a capable wife, adds that postle Peter telttthe law ofshe htœ™œ™-"Š‡„~{xuUc-"Š‡„~{xuUc-you have ascended above them all." (Proverbs 31:28, 29) And without a lot of prompting, he will be moved to let his wife know that he feels that way.
YOUR VIEW OF SEX MAKES A DIFFERENCE
17 Unsatisfactory sexual relations are at the root of many marriage problems. In some cases this is due to the husband’s lack of consideration and understanding of his wife’s physical and emotional needs, and in other cases it is the wife’s failure to share physically or emotionally in the experience with her husband. The sex act, willingly and warmly participated in by both husband and wife, should be an intimate expression of the love that they feel for each other.
18 Frigidity in a wife may be due to a lack of consideration by her husband, but a wife’s indifference also hurts the husband, and a show of distaste may kill his potency or even cause him to feel attracted to someone else. If the wife merely submits, with a couldn’t-care-less attitude, the husband may interpret this as evidence that his wife doesn’t care for him. Emotions rule sexual responsiveness, and if the wife is unresponsive she may need to review her own attitude toward sex.
19 The Bible counsels both husband and wife not to "be depriving each other of it." God’s Word makes no allowance for using sex as a means of punishing one’s mate or expressing resentment, as in a wife’s denying it to her husband for weeks or even months. Just as he is to "render to his wife her due," she is also to "do likewise to her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) This does not mean that a wife should be expected to submit to some abnormal act that she finds morally repugnant, and a husband who loves and respects his wife would not require her to do so. "Love . . . does not behave indecently." (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) It should not be necessary to ask someone outside the marriage union to rule on the propriety or impropriety of the couple’s conduct. The Bible, at 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, clearly enumerates practices forbidden to worshipers of Jehovah God: fornication, adultery, homosexuality. (Compare also Leviticus 18:1-23.) Some modern liberals practicing a "new morality"-actually immorality-clamor for acceptance of some of these forbidden sexual acts, while others who are very conservative would add to these prohibitions. The Bible gives the balanced view. Generally speaking, if all the other relationships in the marriage are good, if there are love, respect, good communication and understanding, then sex will seldom be a problem.
20 A wife who is dearly loved does not use sex for bargaining purposes. Certainly not all wives bargain with sex, but some do. In ways that may be subtle they use sex to gain concessions from their husbands. What is the result? Well, you don’t feel tender affection for the person who sells you a dress, do you? Neither does a husband feel tender affection for a wife who trades sex for concessions from him. The woman who does it may gain materially, but she loses emotionally and spiritually.
THE WEEPERS, THE NAGGERS
21 Samson was a strong man, but he could not bear up under the pressure of women who used weeping or nagging to get their way. On one occasion he was confronted with a siege of weeping from the woman who was to become his wife. As recorded at Judges 14:16, 17, she "began to weep over him and to say: ‘You only hate me, you do, and you do not love me. There was a riddle that you propounded to the sons of my people, but to me you have not told it.’ At this he said to her: ‘Why, to my own father and my own mother I have not told it, and ought I to tell it to you?’" Samson’s appeal to logic did not work. It seldom does when emotions are running high. "She kept weeping over him the seven days that the banquet continued for them, and it came about on the seventh day that finally he told her, because she had pressured him. Then she told the riddle to the sons of her people."
22 Do not think your husband does not love you just because he does not always give you your own way. Samson’s wife-to-be accused him of not loving her, but in actuality she was the one give you your own way. Samsonc"It came about that because she pressured him with her words all the time and kept urging him, his soul got to be impatient to the point of dying." The final results were tragic.-Judges 16:16.
24 Weeping and nagging are not wise. They are damaging to a marriage. They alienate a husband. The Bible warns against such practices, as in the following scriptures quoted from The New English Bible: "He who harps on something breaks up friendship." "A nagging wife is like water dripping endlessly." "Better to live alone in the desert than with a nagging and ill-tempered wife." "Endless dripping on a rainy day-that is what a nagging wife is like. As well try to control the wind as to control her! As well try to pick up oil in one’s fingers!"-Proverbs 17:9; 19:13; 21:19; 27:15, 16.
25 Why do the Scriptures single out the wife for this counsel? Probably because women are generally more emotional and more inclined to give vent to their feelings, especially when they are disturbed about something. Also, they may feel it is the only weapon they have. As head of the house a husband may arbitrarily have his way, so the wife may feel that she must resort to putting on emotional pressure. You, the wife, should not indulge in such tactics, and your husband should not make you feel forced to do so.
26 True, there may be times when you don’t feel well, and perhaps you find yourself giving way to tears, even when you wish you wouldn’t. But that is quite different from employing highly charged emotional scenes simply to get your own way.
27 If they truly love their wives, most husbands will favor their wives more than they do themselves, where personal preferences are involved. Please your husband, and he will likely seek opportunities to please you.
"A TIME TO KEEP QUIET AND A TIME TO SPEAK"
28 Many wives complain, ‘My husband never talks to me.’ The fault may be his. However, many times a husband would like to talk with his wife, but she doesn’t make it easy for him. In what way? Not all women are alike. But ask yourself whether you fit one of these descriptions:
29 The first is a woman who has no trouble at all in talking with other women in the neighborhood. But what is her style? When the other woman stops for a breath, she breaks in. She may throw in a couple of questions, or she may take off on an entirely different subject. Soon the one interrupted cuts in and again carries the conversational ball for a while. Neither one seems to mind this conversational free-for-all.
30 Now her husband comes home, and he has some news to tell. As he enters the door, he starts out, ‘You’ll never guess what happened at work . . .’ He never gets any farther. She interrupts him with, ‘How did you get that spot on your coat? Be careful where you walk. I just cleaned the floor.’ He may hesitate to take up his story again.
31 Or, perhaps they are conversing with friends and he is relating an experience, but he leaves out some of the details or doesn’t get them all exactly right. His wife cuts in, first to correct the flaws, then to round out the story. Before long he takes a deep breath and says, ‘Why don’t you tell it?’
32 Another woman is the kind who encourages her husband to talk. Trying to appear casual, but bursting with curiosity, she asks: ‘Where were you?’ ‘Who was there?’ ‘What happened?’ Not the routine things of life, but those that seem to be more confidential, are the ones that intrigue her. She pieces together the bits of information that she can glean and fills in the gaps with a bit of imagination. Perhaps some of it is information her husband should not have divulged. Other things may have been appropriate for discussion with his wife, but they were told in confidence. If she now talks about this to others, the confidence has been broken. "Do not reveal the confidential talk of another," Proverbs 25:9 warns. But if she did, it may cause problems. How free will he feel about talking to her in the future?
33 Yet a third kind of woman is not much of a talker herself. She knows how to do the necessary work around the house, but she seldom has more than a few words to say. Anyone who tries to converse with her has to do all the talking. Perhaps she is timid, or it may be that she had little opportunity for education when she was a child. Regardless of the cause, efforts at conversation with her fall flat.
34 But changes can be made. The art of conversation can be learned. If a woman does, not only her housework, but also worthwhile reading and kind deeds for other people, she will have upbuilding things to share with her mate. And successful conversation requires sharing. It also requires respect-enough respect to let him finish what he is saying, to let him say it in his own way, and to know when there is a confidence to be kept. As Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there is "a time to keep quiet and a time to speak."
35 Therefore, instead of complaining that your husband seldom talks to you, why not try to make it a pleasure for him to do so? Be interested in the things that he does. Listen intently when he speaks. Let your response reflect the warm love and deep respect that you have for him. Be sure that the things you talk most about are of a positive, upbuilding nature. You may soon find that conversation is a pleasure to both of you.
"WON WITHOUT A WORD"
36 At times, actions speak louder than words, and especially so with husbands who are not fellow believers of God’s Word. Of them the apostle Peter said: "They may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect." (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Many a nonbelieving husband has complained that his wife is always "preaching" to him, and he resents it. In contrast, others have become believers by seeing the change that the truth of God’s Word has made in their wives. People are often more impressed by seeing a sermon than by hearing one.
37 When you speak to your unbelieving mate, "let your utterance be always with graciousness," in good taste, or "seasoned with salt," as the scripture puts it. There is a time to speak. "As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it," the Bible says. Is he discouraged about something? Maybe things went wrong at work. A few understanding words might be treasured by him right now. "Pleasant sayings are . . . sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones." (Colossians 4:6; Proverbs 25:11; 16:24) Or, depending on the situation, just to slip your hand into his may say it all: I understand, I’m on your side, I’ll help if I can.
38 Even though he is not one with you in your faith, God’s Word shows that you are still to be in subjection to him. Your good conduct may in time win him over, so that he shares your faith. What a happy day that would be! And if that time comes, he will realize that he has more reasons to love you than he ever knew. Because your devotion, coupled with firmness for what you knew to be right, will have helped him to lay hold of "the real life."-1 Corinthians 7:13-16; 1 Timothy 6:19.
39 The Scriptures encourage Christian wives, whether their husbands are believers or nonbelievers, "to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home, good, subjecting themselves to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be spoken of abusively."-Titus 2:4, 5.
40 If you, the wife, do this to the best of your ability, you will be dearly loved, not only by your husband, but also by Jehovah God.
[Study Questions]
1-4. What complaint do women at times make about husbands’ assuring them of their love?
5. To be dearly loved by her husband, how should a wife conduct herself?
6, 7. (a) At Genesis 2:18, for what role did Jehovah say that he made woman? (b) In order for a wife to be a real helper to her husband, what is required of her?
8. How can a wife encourage her husband to exercise proper headship?
9. What does Proverbs 31:10 say about a capable wife?
10, 11. How might a wife show that she fits the description of Proverbs 31:15?
12. What could be included in a woman’s acting in harmony with Proverbs 31:14?
13. According to Proverbs 31:27, what can be expected from a capable wife in connection with care of the home?
14, 15. What is the Bible’s counsel to women respecting attire and adornment?
16. How will an appreciative husband feel about such a wife?
17, 18. How can the wife’s view of sex affect how her husband feels about her?
19. (a) How does the Bible show that it would be wrong to deny sex relations to one’s mate for extended periods of time? (b) Why should it not eny sex relations to one]
36-38. What are some ways to reach the heart of a mate who is not a fellow believer?
39, 40. What qualities, listed at Titus 2:4, 5, make a wife precious, not only to her husband, but also to Jehovah?
[Picture on page 57]
"A Capable wife . . . her value is far more than that of corals."-Proverbs 31:10.
[Picture on page 64]
The women in Samson’s life
Building as a Family
Building as a Family for an Eternal Future
TIME keeps on moving. The past may hold many fond memories for us, but we cannot live in the past. We can learn from the past, including past mistakes, but we can live only in the present. And yet, even though a family may be getting along well at present, the fact must be faced that the present is only momentary; today soon becomes yesterday, and the present quickly becomes the past. So, it is vital to family happiness that we keep looking to the future, preparing for it, planning for it. What it will be like, for us and those close to us, will depend to a large extent on the decisions we make now.
2 What are the prospects? For the majority of mankind, what thoughts they have for the future often extend only a few short years. Many prefer not to look very far toward the future because all they can foresee is an unpleasant ending, with the family circle being broken by death. For many, their moments of happiness are quickly overshadowed by the anxieties of life. But by listening to the One "to whom every family in heaven and on earth owes its name," there can be much, much more to life.-Ephesians 3:14, 15.
3 When the first human pair were created, it was not God’s purpose that they or their future children would live for just a few troubled years and then die. He gave them a paradise home and set before them the prospect of unending life. (Genesis 2:7-9, 15-17) But they forfeited that prospect for themselves and their offspring by deliberately violating the law of God, the One on whom their lives depended. The Bible explains it this way: "Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned."-Romans 5:12.
4 God, however, lovingly made provision to redeem the human family. His own Son, Jesus Christ, laid down his perfect human life in behalf of all the offspring of Adam. (1 Timothy 2:5, 6) Jesus thus purchased back or redeemed what Adam had lost for us, and the way was opened for those who would exercise faith in this provision to have the same opportunity for life that God had set before the first human pair. Today, if not overtaken by serious illness or accident earlier in life, a person may live for 70 or 80 years, and a few live a little longer. "But the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 6:23.
5 What can this mean for your family? For persons who listen to and obey God’s commandments it can mean an eternal future. (John 3:36) In his unfailing Word, God promises that he will remove the present oppressive system of things and cause all the affairs of mankind to be administered by a perfect and righteous government that he himself provides. (Daniel 2:44) Showing this, his Word tells us that he purposed "to gather all things together again in the Christ, the things in the heavens and the things on the earth." (Ephesians 1:10) Yes, then there will be universal harmony, and the human family will be united earth wide, free from racial strife, political division, heartless crime and the violence of war. Families will dwell in security, "and there will be no one making them tremble." (Psalm 37:29, 34; Micah 4:3, 4) This will be because all those then living will be persons who have "become imitators of God, as beloved children," and they will "go on walking in love."-Ephesians 5:1, 2.
6 Under the direction of God’s Kingdom rule, the human family will then work unitedly in the joyful project of bringing the earth to the paradise state that the Creator purposed, a garden home providing an abundance of food for all mankind. All earth’s immense variety of bird, fish and animal life will come under the kind dominion of humans and serve to their pleasure, for this is God’s stated purpose. (Genesis 2:9; 1:26-28) No more will disease, pain, the debilitating effects of old age, or the fear of death mar the human family’s enjoyment of life. Even those "in the memorial tombs" will return to share in the grand opportunities that life will then afford.-John 5:28, 29; Revelation 21:1-5.
7 What can you do to help your family realize the fulfillment of these prospects?
WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?
8 None of us should mistakenly conclude that simply by living what we view as a "good life" we will be among those who gain life in God’s new system of things. It is not for us to decide what the requirements are; God rightly does that. One day when Jesus was teaching in Judea, a man asked: "By doing what shall I inherit everlasting life?" The answer was: "‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole strength and with your whole mind,’ and, ‘your neighbor as yourself.’" (Luke 10:25-28) Clearly, much more is involved than just saying that we believe in God, or periodically going to meetings where the Bible is discussed, or occasionally doing kind things for certain persons. Rather, the faith that we profess should deeply influence our thoughts and desires and actions every day, all day long.
9 Keeping in mind and treasuring our relationship with God will help us to act with wisdom and will assure his approval and help. (Proverbs 4:10) By viewing all the affairs of life as they relate to him and his purposes, we will be able to keep good balance in the way we use our lives. We must work to care for our physical needs. But God’s Son reminds us that anxious concern and eager pursuit of material things will not lengthen our lives in the slightest; seeking first God’s kingdom and his righteousness will lengthen them unendingly. (Matthew 6:25-33; 1 Timothy 6:7-12; Hebrews 13:5) God purposes that we thoroughly enjoy our family life. Yet to become so wrapped up in family affairs that we fail to show genuine love for those outside the family circle would be self-defeating, would give our family a narrow outlook on life and would rob us of God’s blessing. Family fun and recreation bring the greatest enjoyment when they are kept in their place, never being allowed to crowd love for God into the background. (1 Corinthians 7:29-31; 2 Timothy 3:4, 5) By doing all things, as a family or as individuals, in harmony with the sound principles of God’s Word, our lives will be deeply satisfying, with a sense of genuine accomplishment, and we will be laying a sound foundation for an eternal future. So, "whatever you are doing, work at it whole-souled as to Jehovah . . . for you know that it is from Jehovah you will receive the due reward of the inheritance."-Colossians 3:18-24.
BUILDING AS A FAMILY
10 If the members of a family are to continue to work toward the same goals, home discussions of God’s Word are very valuable, really essential. Each day offers many opportunities for a person to relate to the purposes of the Creator things that are seen and done. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) It is good to set aside regular times for all to join in reading and discussing the Bible together, perhaps with the help of publications that explain the Bible. Doing this has a unifying effect on the family. Family members can then use God’s Word to help one another to cope with problems that may come up. When parents set a good example, not letting such periods of family Bible discussion be easily infringed upon by other interests, this impresses upon the children the vital importance of deep respect and appreciation for God’s Word. His Son said: "Man must live, not on bread alone, but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah’s mouth."-Matthew 4:4.
11 In a body, "there should be no division," but "its members should have the same care for one another." (1 Corinthians 12:25) That should be true of a family body. One mate should not be so preoccupied with his own spiritual progress in knowledge and understanding that he fails to show sincere concern for that of his marriage partner. If, for example, a husband does not give sufficient attention to his wife’s spiritual needs, in time she may no longer cherish the same goals that he does. If parents do not take enough personal interest in the spiritual growth of their children, helping them to see how the principles of God’s Word apply and can bring the greatest happiness in life, they may find that the hearts and minds of their children will be drawn away by the materialistic spirit of the world around them. For the everlasting good of your whole family, keep the taking in of knowledge from God’s Word as a regular, vital part of your family life.
12 If, indeed, ‘love begins at home,’ it should not end there. God’s Word foretold that his true servants would become, even during the present system of things, a global family of brothers and sisters. He tells us that "as long as we have time favorable for it," we should "work what is good toward all, but especially toward those related to us in the faith," those in the "entire association of [our] brothers in the world." (Galatians 6:10; 1 Peter 5:9) As a family, meeting together regularly with those of that bigger "family" should be a joy, one not easily forfeited in favor of other interests.-Hebrews 10:23-25; Luke 21:34-36.
13 But our love should not be limited just to those already within "God’s household," his congregation. (1 Timothy 3:15) As God’s Son said, if we love only those loving us, our brothers only, ‘what extraordinary thing have we done?’ To be like our heavenly Father, we must reach out wholeheartedly to all persons and show kindness and helpfulness to any and all, seeking ever to share the good news of God’s kingdom with them, taking the initiative. When we express godly love in this way as a family, our life takes on real meaning and purpose. All of us, parents and children alike, experience what it means to show love to its full extent, in the way that God shows it. (Matthew 5:43-48; 24:14) We also share in the full happiness that only such wholehearted giving can bring.-Acts 20:35.
14 What grand prospects are ahead for families who manifest such love! They have learned that the way to make their family life happy is to apply the counsel of God’s Word. Despite the problems and pressures of life that affect all persons, such families experience right now many fine results from doing so. But they are looking beyond the present, and they are not thinking in terms of just a few years of life before death ends it all. With confidence in the reliability of the promises of God, each member of the family will happily build for an eternal future.
15 This book has shown from the Bible that God’s purpose in creating the earth is to have it inhabited. He established the family to accomplish this. Jehovah God also gave guidelines for fathers, mothers and children, and these have been considered. Have you been able to apply some of these principles in your family? Have they helped you to make your family life happier? We hope so. But what does the future hold for you and your family?
16 Would you like to help in caring for the earth, in making its fields produce bumper crops and its deserts to blossom? Would you like to see thorns and thistles give way to orchards and majestic forests? Would you and your family be pleased to exercise dominion over animals, not with guns, whips and steel bars, but through love and mutual trust?
17 If your heart yearns for the time when swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning shears, when there will be no more makers of bombs or fomenters of war, then you would rejoice in Jehovah’s new system of things. Oppressive political rule, commercial greed and religious hypocrisy will be things of the past. Every family will dwell in peace under its own vine and fig tree. The earth will ring with the happy cries of resurrected children and with the stirring songs of many birds. And the air will be exhilarating with fragrance of flowers instead of stifling with industrial pollution.-Micah 4:1-4.
18 If it is your heartfelt hope to see the lame leap like the stag, to hear the tongue of the mute sing, to watch the eyes of the blind open, to learn that the ears of the deaf are unstopped, to witness sighing and crying give way to smiles, and tears and mourning give way to laughter, and pain and death give way to health and eternal life, then do your utmost to aid yourself and your family to take the action needed to live forever in Jehovah’s new system where such conditions will exist forever.-Revelation 21:1-4.
19 Will your family be among the happy throngs who will fill the earth at that time? It is up to you. Follow Jehovah’s instructions for family life now. Work as a family to prove now that you would fit into the life-style of that new system. Study God’s Word, apply it in your lives, tell others of the hope ahead. By so doing, you as a family will be making "a good name" with God. "A good name is to be chosen rather than abundant riches; favor is better than even silver and gold." Such a name Jehovah will not forget: "The remembrance of the righteous one is due for a blessing." (Proverbs 22:1, margin; 10:7) By Jehovah’s undeserved kindness you and your family may be blessed with an eternal future of supreme happiness.
[Study Questions]
1. In promoting family happiness, why is it good to think about the future?
2. (a) Why do many persons not want to think about the future? (b) If we desire a happy future, to whom should we listen?
3. (a) What prospects did God put before the first humans? (b) Why did things turn out differently?
4. What arrangement has Jehovah God made so that his original purpose regarding humankind will be realized?
5-7. (a) If we do God’s will now, to what can we look forward in the future? (b) What question might you raise about helping your family?
8. To gain God’s approval, what is required of us?
9. What Scriptural principles can help us to be balanced in our view of the common affairs of life?
10. How important is regular Bible discussion in the home?
11. When it comes to spiritual progress, what tendency should be avoided in the family?
12. With whom should we not neglect to associate?
13. What responsibility do we have toward persons outside the Christian congregation?
14. The application of what counsel promotes happy family life?
15. What questions might you ask yourself about the benefits of the Scriptural guidelines set forth in this book?
16-18. What grand conditions has Jehovah God purposed for this earth?
19. How may you and your family be among those who will enjoy the blessings of God’s new system?
[Full-page picture on page 189]
TIME keeps on moving. The past may hold many fond memories for us, but we cannot live in the past. We can learn from the past, including past mistakes, but we can live only in the present. And yet, even though a family may be getting along well at present, the fact must be faced that the present is only momentary; today soon becomes yesterday, and the present quickly becomes the past. So, it is vital to family happiness that we keep looking to the future, preparing for it, planning for it. What it will be like, for us and those close to us, will depend to a large extent on the decisions we make now.
2 What are the prospects? For the majority of mankind, what thoughts they have for the future often extend only a few short years. Many prefer not to look very far toward the future because all they can foresee is an unpleasant ending, with the family circle being broken by death. For many, their moments of happiness are quickly overshadowed by the anxieties of life. But by listening to the One "to whom every family in heaven and on earth owes its name," there can be much, much more to life.-Ephesians 3:14, 15.
3 When the first human pair were created, it was not God’s purpose that they or their future children would live for just a few troubled years and then die. He gave them a paradise home and set before them the prospect of unending life. (Genesis 2:7-9, 15-17) But they forfeited that prospect for themselves and their offspring by deliberately violating the law of God, the One on whom their lives depended. The Bible explains it this way: "Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned."-Romans 5:12.
4 God, however, lovingly made provision to redeem the human family. His own Son, Jesus Christ, laid down his perfect human life in behalf of all the offspring of Adam. (1 Timothy 2:5, 6) Jesus thus purchased back or redeemed what Adam had lost for us, and the way was opened for those who would exercise faith in this provision to have the same opportunity for life that God had set before the first human pair. Today, if not overtaken by serious illness or accident earlier in life, a person may live for 70 or 80 years, and a few live a little longer. "But the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 6:23.
5 What can this mean for your family? For persons who listen to and obey God’s commandments it can mean an eternal future. (John 3:36) In his unfailing Word, God promises that he will remove the present oppressive system of things and cause all the affairs of mankind to be administered by a perfect and righteous government that he himself provides. (Daniel 2:44) Showing this, his Word tells us that he purposed "to gather all things together again in the Christ, the things in the heavens and the things on the earth." (Ephesians 1:10) Yes, then there will be universal harmony, and the human family will be united earth wide, free from racial strife, political division, heartless crime and the violence of war. Families will dwell in security, "and there will be no one making them tremble." (Psalm 37:29, 34; Micah 4:3, 4) This will be because all those then living will be persons who have "become imitators of God, as beloved children," and they will "go on walking in love."-Ephesians 5:1, 2.
6 Under the direction of God’s Kingdom rule, the human family will then work unitedly in the joyful project of bringing the earth to the paradise state that the Creator purposed, a garden home providing an abundance of food for all mankind. All earth’s immense variety of bird, fish and animal life will come under the kind dominion of humans and serve to their pleasure, for this is God’s stated purpose. (Genesis 2:9; 1:26-28) No more will disease, pain, the debilitating effects of old age, or the fear of death mar the human family’s enjoyment of life. Even those "in the memorial tombs" will return to share in the grand opportunities that life will then afford.-John 5:28, 29; Revelation 21:1-5.
7 What can you do to help your family realize the fulfillment of these prospects?
WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?
8 None of us should mistakenly conclude that simply by living what we view as a "good life" we will be among those who gain life in God’s new system of things. It is not for us to decide what the requirements are; God rightly does that. One day when Jesus was teaching in Judea, a man asked: "By doing what shall I inherit everlasting life?" The answer was: "‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole strength and with your whole mind,’ and, ‘your neighbor as yourself.’" (Luke 10:25-28) Clearly, much more is involved than just saying that we believe in God, or periodically going to meetings where the Bible is discussed, or occasionally doing kind things for certain persons. Rather, the faith that we profess should deeply influence our thoughts and desires and actions every day, all day long.
9 Keeping in mind and treasuring our relationship with God will help us to act with wisdom and will assure his approval and help. (Proverbs 4:10) By viewing all the affairs of life as they relate to him and his purposes, we will be able to keep good balance in the way we use our lives. We must work to care for our physical needs. But God’s Son reminds us that anxious concern and eager pursuit of material things will not lengthen our lives in the slightest; seeking first God’s kingdom and his righteousness will lengthen them unendingly. (Matthew 6:25-33; 1 Timothy 6:7-12; Hebrews 13:5) God purposes that we thoroughly enjoy our family life. Yet to become so wrapped up in family affairs that we fail to show genuine love for those outside the family circle would be self-defeating, would give our family a narrow outlook on life and would rob us of God’s blessing. Family fun and recreation bring the greatest enjoyment when they are kept in their place, never being allowed to crowd love for God into the background. (1 Corinthians 7:29-31; 2 Timothy 3:4, 5) By doing all things, as a family or as individuals, in harmony with the sound principles of God’s Word, our lives will be deeply satisfying, with a sense of genuine accomplishment, and we will be laying a sound foundation for an eternal future. So, "whatever you are doing, work at it whole-souled as to Jehovah . . . for you know that it is from Jehovah you will receive the due reward of the inheritance."-Colossians 3:18-24.
BUILDING AS A FAMILY
10 If the members of a family are to continue to work toward the same goals, home discussions of God’s Word are very valuable, really essential. Each day offers many opportunities for a person to relate to the purposes of the Creator things that are seen and done. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) It is good to set aside regular times for all to join in reading and discussing the Bible together, perhaps with the help of publications that explain the Bible. Doing this has a unifying effect on the family. Family members can then use God’s Word to help one another to cope with problems that may come up. When parents set a good example, not letting such periods of family Bible discussion be easily infringed upon by other interests, this impresses upon the children the vital importance of deep respect and appreciation for God’s Word. His Son said: "Man must live, not on bread alone, but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah’s mouth."-Matthew 4:4.
11 In a body, "there should be no division," but "its members should have the same care for one another." (1 Corinthians 12:25) That should be true of a family body. One mate should not be so preoccupied with his own spiritual progress in knowledge and understanding that he fails to show sincere concern for that of his marriage partner. If, for example, a husband does not give sufficient attention to his wife’s spiritual needs, in time she may no longer cherish the same goals that he does. If parents do not take enough personal interest in the spiritual growth of their children, helping them to see how the principles of God’s Word apply and can bring the greatest happiness in life, they may find that the hearts and minds of their children will be drawn away by the materialistic spirit of the world around them. For the everlasting good of your whole family, keep the taking in of knowledge from God’s Word as a regular, vital part of your family life.
12 If, indeed, ‘love begins at home,’ it should not end there. God’s Word foretold that his true servants would become, even during the present system of things, a global family of brothers and sisters. He tells us that "as long as we have time favorable for it," we should "work what is good toward all, but especially toward those related to us in the faith," those in the "entire association of [our] brothers in the world." (Galatians 6:10; 1 Peter 5:9) As a family, meeting together regularly with those of that bigger "family" should be a joy, one not easily forfeited in favor of other interests.-Hebrews 10:23-25; Luke 21:34-36.
13 But our love should not be limited just to those already within "God’s household," his congregation. (1 Timothy 3:15) As God’s Son said, if we love only those loving us, our brothers only, ‘what extraordinary thing have we done?’ To be like our heavenly Father, we must reach out wholeheartedly to all persons and show kindness and helpfulness to any and all, seeking ever to share the good news of God’s kingdom with them, taking the initiative. When we express godly love in this way as a family, our life takes on real meaning and purpose. All of us, parents and children alike, experience what it means to show love to its full extent, in the way that God shows it. (Matthew 5:43-48; 24:14) We also share in the full happiness that only such wholehearted giving can bring.-Acts 20:35.
14 What grand prospects are ahead for families who manifest such love! They have learned that the way to make their family life happy is to apply the counsel of God’s Word. Despite the problems and pressures of life that affect all persons, such families experience right now many fine results from doing so. But they are looking beyond the present, and they are not thinking in terms of just a few years of life before death ends it all. With confidence in the reliability of the promises of God, each member of the family will happily build for an eternal future.
15 This book has shown from the Bible that God’s purpose in creating the earth is to have it inhabited. He established the family to accomplish this. Jehovah God also gave guidelines for fathers, mothers and children, and these have been considered. Have you been able to apply some of these principles in your family? Have they helped you to make your family life happier? We hope so. But what does the future hold for you and your family?
16 Would you like to help in caring for the earth, in making its fields produce bumper crops and its deserts to blossom? Would you like to see thorns and thistles give way to orchards and majestic forests? Would you and your family be pleased to exercise dominion over animals, not with guns, whips and steel bars, but through love and mutual trust?
17 If your heart yearns for the time when swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning shears, when there will be no more makers of bombs or fomenters of war, then you would rejoice in Jehovah’s new system of things. Oppressive political rule, commercial greed and religious hypocrisy will be things of the past. Every family will dwell in peace under its own vine and fig tree. The earth will ring with the happy cries of resurrected children and with the stirring songs of many birds. And the air will be exhilarating with fragrance of flowers instead of stifling with industrial pollution.-Micah 4:1-4.
18 If it is your heartfelt hope to see the lame leap like the stag, to hear the tongue of the mute sing, to watch the eyes of the blind open, to learn that the ears of the deaf are unstopped, to witness sighing and crying give way to smiles, and tears and mourning give way to laughter, and pain and death give way to health and eternal life, then do your utmost to aid yourself and your family to take the action needed to live forever in Jehovah’s new system where such conditions will exist forever.-Revelation 21:1-4.
19 Will your family be among the happy throngs who will fill the earth at that time? It is up to you. Follow Jehovah’s instructions for family life now. Work as a family to prove now that you would fit into the life-style of that new system. Study God’s Word, apply it in your lives, tell others of the hope ahead. By so doing, you as a family will be making "a good name" with God. "A good name is to be chosen rather than abundant riches; favor is better than even silver and gold." Such a name Jehovah will not forget: "The remembrance of the righteous one is due for a blessing." (Proverbs 22:1, margin; 10:7) By Jehovah’s undeserved kindness you and your family may be blessed with an eternal future of supreme happiness.
[Study Questions]
1. In promoting family happiness, why is it good to think about the future?
2. (a) Why do many persons not want to think about the future? (b) If we desire a happy future, to whom should we listen?
3. (a) What prospects did God put before the first humans? (b) Why did things turn out differently?
4. What arrangement has Jehovah God made so that his original purpose regarding humankind will be realized?
5-7. (a) If we do God’s will now, to what can we look forward in the future? (b) What question might you raise about helping your family?
8. To gain God’s approval, what is required of us?
9. What Scriptural principles can help us to be balanced in our view of the common affairs of life?
10. How important is regular Bible discussion in the home?
11. When it comes to spiritual progress, what tendency should be avoided in the family?
12. With whom should we not neglect to associate?
13. What responsibility do we have toward persons outside the Christian congregation?
14. The application of what counsel promotes happy family life?
15. What questions might you ask yourself about the benefits of the Scriptural guidelines set forth in this book?
16-18. What grand conditions has Jehovah God purposed for this earth?
19. How may you and your family be among those who will enjoy the blessings of God’s new system?
[Full-page picture on page 189]
Building as a Family
Building as a Family for an Eternal Future
TIME keeps on moving. The past may hold many fond memories for us, but we cannot live in the past. We can learn from the past, including past mistakes, but we can live only in the present. And yet, even though a family may be getting along well at present, the fact must be faced that the present is only momentary; today soon becomes yesterday, and the present quickly becomes the past. So, it is vital to family happiness that we keep looking to the future, preparing for it, planning for it. What it will be like, for us and those close to us, will depend to a large extent on the decisions we make now.
2 What are the prospects? For the majority of mankind, what thoughts they have for the future often extend only a few short years. Many prefer not to look very far toward the future because all they can foresee is an unpleasant ending, with the family circle being broken by death. For many, their moments of happiness are quickly overshadowed by the anxieties of life. But by listening to the One "to whom every family in heaven and on earth owes its name," there can be much, much more to life.-Ephesians 3:14, 15.
3 When the first human pair were created, it was not God’s purpose that they or their future children would live for just a few troubled years and then die. He gave them a paradise home and set before them the prospect of unending life. (Genesis 2:7-9, 15-17) But they forfeited that prospect for themselves and their offspring by deliberately violating the law of God, the One on whom their lives depended. The Bible explains it this way: "Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned."-Romans 5:12.
4 God, however, lovingly made provision to redeem the human family. His own Son, Jesus Christ, laid down his perfect human life in behalf of all the offspring of Adam. (1 Timothy 2:5, 6) Jesus thus purchased back or redeemed what Adam had lost for us, and the way was opened for those who would exercise faith in this provision to have the same opportunity for life that God had set before the first human pair. Today, if not overtaken by serious illness or accident earlier in life, a person may live for 70 or 80 years, and a few live a little longer. "But the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 6:23.
5 What can this mean for your family? For persons who listen to and obey God’s commandments it can mean an eternal future. (John 3:36) In his unfailing Word, God promises that he will remove the present oppressive system of things and cause all the affairs of mankind to be administered by a perfect and righteous government that he himself provides. (Daniel 2:44) Showing this, his Word tells us that he purposed "to gather all things together again in the Christ, the things in the heavens and the things on the earth." (Ephesians 1:10) Yes, then there will be universal harmony, and the human family will be united earth wide, free from racial strife, political division, heartless crime and the violence of war. Families will dwell in security, "and there will be no one making them tremble." (Psalm 37:29, 34; Micah 4:3, 4) This will be because all those then living will be persons who have "become imitators of God, as beloved children," and they will "go on walking in love."-Ephesians 5:1, 2.
6 Under the direction of God’s Kingdom rule, the human family will then work unitedly in the joyful project of bringing the earth to the paradise state that the Creator purposed, a garden home providing an abundance of food for all mankind. All earth’s immense variety of bird, fish and animal life will come under the kind dominion of humans and serve to their pleasure, for this is God’s stated purpose. (Genesis 2:9; 1:26-28) No more will disease, pain, the debilitating effects of old age, or the fear of death mar the human family’s enjoyment of life. Even those "in the memorial tombs" will return to share in the grand opportunities that life will then afford.-John 5:28, 29; Revelation 21:1-5.
7 What can you do to help your family realize the fulfillment of these prospects?
WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?
8 None of us should mistakenly conclude that simply by living what we view as a "good life" we will be among those who gain life in God’s new system of things. It is not for us to decide what the requirements are; God rightly does that. One day when Jesus was teaching in Judea, a man asked: "By doing what shall I inherit everlasting life?" The answer was: "‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole strength and with your whole mind,’ and, ‘your neighbor as yourself.’" (Luke 10:25-28) Clearly, much more is involved than just saying that we believe in God, or periodically going to meetings where the Bible is discussed, or occasionally doing kind things for certain persons. Rather, the faith that we profess should deeply influence our thoughts and desires and actions every day, all day long.
9 Keeping in mind and treasuring our relationship with God will help us to act with wisdom and will assure his approval and help. (Proverbs 4:10) By viewing all the affairs of life as they relate to him and his purposes, we will be able to keep good balance in the way we use our lives. We must work to care for our physical needs. But God’s Son reminds us that anxious concern and eager pursuit of material things will not lengthen our lives in the slightest; seeking first God’s kingdom and his righteousness will lengthen them unendingly. (Matthew 6:25-33; 1 Timothy 6:7-12; Hebrews 13:5) God purposes that we thoroughly enjoy our family life. Yet to become so wrapped up in family affairs that we fail to show genuine love for those outside the family circle would be self-defeating, would give our family a narrow outlook on life and would rob us of God’s blessing. Family fun and recreation bring the greatest enjoyment when they are kept in their place, never being allowed to crowd love for God into the background. (1 Corinthians 7:29-31; 2 Timothy 3:4, 5) By doing all things, as a family or as individuals, in harmony with the sound principles of God’s Word, our lives will be deeply satisfying, with a sense of genuine accomplishment, and we will be laying a sound foundation for an eternal future. So, "whatever you are doing, work at it whole-souled as to Jehovah . . . for you know that it is from Jehovah you will receive the due reward of the inheritance."-Colossians 3:18-24.
BUILDING AS A FAMILY
10 If the members of a family are to continue to work toward the same goals, home discussions of God’s Word are very valuable, really essential. Each day offers many opportunities for a person to relate to the purposes of the Creator things that are seen and done. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) It is good to set aside regular times for all to join in reading and discussing the Bible together, perhaps with the help of publications that explain the Bible. Doing this has a unifying effect on the family. Family members can then use God’s Word to help one another to cope with problems that may come up. When parents set a good example, not letting such periods of family Bible discussion be easily infringed upon by other interests, this impresses upon the children the vital importance of deep respect and appreciation for God’s Word. His Son said: "Man must live, not on bread alone, but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah’s mouth."-Matthew 4:4.
11 In a body, "there should be no division," but "its members should have the same care for one another." (1 Corinthians 12:25) That should be true of a family body. One mate should not be so preoccupied with his own spiritual progress in knowledge and understanding that he fails to show sincere concern for that of his marriage partner. If, for example, a husband does not give sufficient attention to his wife’s spiritual needs, in time she may no longer cherish the same goals that he does. If parents do not take enough personal interest in the spiritual growth of their children, helping them to see how the principles of God’s Word apply and can bring the greatest happiness in life, they may find that the hearts and minds of their children will be drawn away by the materialistic spirit of the world around them. For the everlasting good of your whole family, keep the taking in of knowledge from God’s Word as a regular, vital part of your family life.
12 If, indeed, ‘love begins at home,’ it should not end there. God’s Word foretold that his true servants would become, even during the present system of things, a global family of brothers and sisters. He tells us that "as long as we have time favorable for it," we should "work what is good toward all, but especially toward those related to us in the faith," those in the "entire association of [our] brothers in the world." (Galatians 6:10; 1 Peter 5:9) As a family, meeting together regularly with those of that bigger "family" should be a joy, one not easily forfeited in favor of other interests.-Hebrews 10:23-25; Luke 21:34-36.
13 But our love should not be limited just to those already within "God’s household," his congregation. (1 Timothy 3:15) As God’s Son said, if we love only those loving us, our brothers only, ‘what extraordinary thing have we done?’ To be like our heavenly Father, we must reach out wholeheartedly to all persons and show kindness and helpfulness to any and all, seeking ever to share the good news of God’s kingdom with them, taking the initiative. When we express godly love in this way as a family, our life takes on real meaning and purpose. All of us, parents and children alike, experience what it means to show love to its full extent, in the way that God shows it. (Matthew 5:43-48; 24:14) We also share in the full happiness that only such wholehearted giving can bring.-Acts 20:35.
14 What grand prospects are ahead for families who manifest such love! They have learned that the way to make their family life happy is to apply the counsel of God’s Word. Despite the problems and pressures of life that affect all persons, such families experience right now many fine results from doing so. But they are looking beyond the present, and they are not thinking in terms of just a few years of life before death ends it all. With confidence in the reliability of the promises of God, each member of the family will happily build for an eternal future.
15 This book has shown from the Bible that God’s purpose in creating the earth is to have it inhabited. He established the family to accomplish this. Jehovah God also gave guidelines for fathers, mothers and children, and these have been considered. Have you been able to apply some of these principles in your family? Have they helped you to make your family life happier? We hope so. But what does the future hold for you and your family?
16 Would you like to help in caring for the earth, in making its fields produce bumper crops and its deserts to blossom? Would you like to see thorns and thistles give way to orchards and majestic forests? Would you and your family be pleased to exercise dominion over animals, not with guns, whips and steel bars, but through love and mutual trust?
17 If your heart yearns for the time when swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning shears, when there will be no more makers of bombs or fomenters of war, then you would rejoice in Jehovah’s new system of things. Oppressive political rule, commercial greed and religious hypocrisy will be things of the past. Every family will dwell in peace under its own vine and fig tree. The earth will ring with the happy cries of resurrected children and with the stirring songs of many birds. And the air will be exhilarating with fragrance of flowers instead of stifling with industrial pollution.-Micah 4:1-4.
18 If it is your heartfelt hope to see the lame leap like the stag, to hear the tongue of the mute sing, to watch the eyes of the blind open, to learn that the ears of the deaf are unstopped, to witness sighing and crying give way to smiles, and tears and mourning give way to laughter, and pain and death give way to health and eternal life, then do your utmost to aid yourself and your family to take the action needed to live forever in Jehovah’s new system where such conditions will exist forever.-Revelation 21:1-4.
19 Will your family be among the happy throngs who will fill the earth at that time? It is up to you. Follow Jehovah’s instructions for family life now. Work as a family to prove now that you would fit into the life-style of that new system. Study God’s Word, apply it in your lives, tell others of the hope ahead. By so doing, you as a family will be making "a good name" with God. "A good name is to be chosen rather than abundant riches; favor is better than even silver and gold." Such a name Jehovah will not forget: "The remembrance of the righteous one is due for a blessing." (Proverbs 22:1, margin; 10:7) By Jehovah’s undeserved kindness you and your family may be blessed with an eternal future of supreme happiness.
[Study Questions]
1. In promoting family happiness, why is it good to think about the future?
2. (a) Why do many persons not want to think about the future? (b) If we desire a happy future, to whom should we listen?
3. (a) What prospects did God put before the first humans? (b) Why did things turn out differently?
4. What arrangement has Jehovah God made so that his original purpose regarding humankind will be realized?
5-7. (a) If we do God’s will now, to what can we look forward in the future? (b) What question might you raise about helping your family?
8. To gain God’s approval, what is required of us?
9. What Scriptural principles can help us to be balanced in our view of the common affairs of life?
10. How important is regular Bible discussion in the home?
11. When it comes to spiritual progress, what tendency should be avoided in the family?
12. With whom should we not neglect to associate?
13. What responsibility do we have toward persons outside the Christian congregation?
14. The application of what counsel promotes happy family life?
15. What questions might you ask yourself about the benefits of the Scriptural guidelines set forth in this book?
16-18. What grand conditions has Jehovah God purposed for this earth?
19. How may you and your family be among those who will enjoy the blessings of God’s new system?
[Full-page picture on page 189]
TIME keeps on moving. The past may hold many fond memories for us, but we cannot live in the past. We can learn from the past, including past mistakes, but we can live only in the present. And yet, even though a family may be getting along well at present, the fact must be faced that the present is only momentary; today soon becomes yesterday, and the present quickly becomes the past. So, it is vital to family happiness that we keep looking to the future, preparing for it, planning for it. What it will be like, for us and those close to us, will depend to a large extent on the decisions we make now.
2 What are the prospects? For the majority of mankind, what thoughts they have for the future often extend only a few short years. Many prefer not to look very far toward the future because all they can foresee is an unpleasant ending, with the family circle being broken by death. For many, their moments of happiness are quickly overshadowed by the anxieties of life. But by listening to the One "to whom every family in heaven and on earth owes its name," there can be much, much more to life.-Ephesians 3:14, 15.
3 When the first human pair were created, it was not God’s purpose that they or their future children would live for just a few troubled years and then die. He gave them a paradise home and set before them the prospect of unending life. (Genesis 2:7-9, 15-17) But they forfeited that prospect for themselves and their offspring by deliberately violating the law of God, the One on whom their lives depended. The Bible explains it this way: "Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned."-Romans 5:12.
4 God, however, lovingly made provision to redeem the human family. His own Son, Jesus Christ, laid down his perfect human life in behalf of all the offspring of Adam. (1 Timothy 2:5, 6) Jesus thus purchased back or redeemed what Adam had lost for us, and the way was opened for those who would exercise faith in this provision to have the same opportunity for life that God had set before the first human pair. Today, if not overtaken by serious illness or accident earlier in life, a person may live for 70 or 80 years, and a few live a little longer. "But the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 6:23.
5 What can this mean for your family? For persons who listen to and obey God’s commandments it can mean an eternal future. (John 3:36) In his unfailing Word, God promises that he will remove the present oppressive system of things and cause all the affairs of mankind to be administered by a perfect and righteous government that he himself provides. (Daniel 2:44) Showing this, his Word tells us that he purposed "to gather all things together again in the Christ, the things in the heavens and the things on the earth." (Ephesians 1:10) Yes, then there will be universal harmony, and the human family will be united earth wide, free from racial strife, political division, heartless crime and the violence of war. Families will dwell in security, "and there will be no one making them tremble." (Psalm 37:29, 34; Micah 4:3, 4) This will be because all those then living will be persons who have "become imitators of God, as beloved children," and they will "go on walking in love."-Ephesians 5:1, 2.
6 Under the direction of God’s Kingdom rule, the human family will then work unitedly in the joyful project of bringing the earth to the paradise state that the Creator purposed, a garden home providing an abundance of food for all mankind. All earth’s immense variety of bird, fish and animal life will come under the kind dominion of humans and serve to their pleasure, for this is God’s stated purpose. (Genesis 2:9; 1:26-28) No more will disease, pain, the debilitating effects of old age, or the fear of death mar the human family’s enjoyment of life. Even those "in the memorial tombs" will return to share in the grand opportunities that life will then afford.-John 5:28, 29; Revelation 21:1-5.
7 What can you do to help your family realize the fulfillment of these prospects?
WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?
8 None of us should mistakenly conclude that simply by living what we view as a "good life" we will be among those who gain life in God’s new system of things. It is not for us to decide what the requirements are; God rightly does that. One day when Jesus was teaching in Judea, a man asked: "By doing what shall I inherit everlasting life?" The answer was: "‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole strength and with your whole mind,’ and, ‘your neighbor as yourself.’" (Luke 10:25-28) Clearly, much more is involved than just saying that we believe in God, or periodically going to meetings where the Bible is discussed, or occasionally doing kind things for certain persons. Rather, the faith that we profess should deeply influence our thoughts and desires and actions every day, all day long.
9 Keeping in mind and treasuring our relationship with God will help us to act with wisdom and will assure his approval and help. (Proverbs 4:10) By viewing all the affairs of life as they relate to him and his purposes, we will be able to keep good balance in the way we use our lives. We must work to care for our physical needs. But God’s Son reminds us that anxious concern and eager pursuit of material things will not lengthen our lives in the slightest; seeking first God’s kingdom and his righteousness will lengthen them unendingly. (Matthew 6:25-33; 1 Timothy 6:7-12; Hebrews 13:5) God purposes that we thoroughly enjoy our family life. Yet to become so wrapped up in family affairs that we fail to show genuine love for those outside the family circle would be self-defeating, would give our family a narrow outlook on life and would rob us of God’s blessing. Family fun and recreation bring the greatest enjoyment when they are kept in their place, never being allowed to crowd love for God into the background. (1 Corinthians 7:29-31; 2 Timothy 3:4, 5) By doing all things, as a family or as individuals, in harmony with the sound principles of God’s Word, our lives will be deeply satisfying, with a sense of genuine accomplishment, and we will be laying a sound foundation for an eternal future. So, "whatever you are doing, work at it whole-souled as to Jehovah . . . for you know that it is from Jehovah you will receive the due reward of the inheritance."-Colossians 3:18-24.
BUILDING AS A FAMILY
10 If the members of a family are to continue to work toward the same goals, home discussions of God’s Word are very valuable, really essential. Each day offers many opportunities for a person to relate to the purposes of the Creator things that are seen and done. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) It is good to set aside regular times for all to join in reading and discussing the Bible together, perhaps with the help of publications that explain the Bible. Doing this has a unifying effect on the family. Family members can then use God’s Word to help one another to cope with problems that may come up. When parents set a good example, not letting such periods of family Bible discussion be easily infringed upon by other interests, this impresses upon the children the vital importance of deep respect and appreciation for God’s Word. His Son said: "Man must live, not on bread alone, but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah’s mouth."-Matthew 4:4.
11 In a body, "there should be no division," but "its members should have the same care for one another." (1 Corinthians 12:25) That should be true of a family body. One mate should not be so preoccupied with his own spiritual progress in knowledge and understanding that he fails to show sincere concern for that of his marriage partner. If, for example, a husband does not give sufficient attention to his wife’s spiritual needs, in time she may no longer cherish the same goals that he does. If parents do not take enough personal interest in the spiritual growth of their children, helping them to see how the principles of God’s Word apply and can bring the greatest happiness in life, they may find that the hearts and minds of their children will be drawn away by the materialistic spirit of the world around them. For the everlasting good of your whole family, keep the taking in of knowledge from God’s Word as a regular, vital part of your family life.
12 If, indeed, ‘love begins at home,’ it should not end there. God’s Word foretold that his true servants would become, even during the present system of things, a global family of brothers and sisters. He tells us that "as long as we have time favorable for it," we should "work what is good toward all, but especially toward those related to us in the faith," those in the "entire association of [our] brothers in the world." (Galatians 6:10; 1 Peter 5:9) As a family, meeting together regularly with those of that bigger "family" should be a joy, one not easily forfeited in favor of other interests.-Hebrews 10:23-25; Luke 21:34-36.
13 But our love should not be limited just to those already within "God’s household," his congregation. (1 Timothy 3:15) As God’s Son said, if we love only those loving us, our brothers only, ‘what extraordinary thing have we done?’ To be like our heavenly Father, we must reach out wholeheartedly to all persons and show kindness and helpfulness to any and all, seeking ever to share the good news of God’s kingdom with them, taking the initiative. When we express godly love in this way as a family, our life takes on real meaning and purpose. All of us, parents and children alike, experience what it means to show love to its full extent, in the way that God shows it. (Matthew 5:43-48; 24:14) We also share in the full happiness that only such wholehearted giving can bring.-Acts 20:35.
14 What grand prospects are ahead for families who manifest such love! They have learned that the way to make their family life happy is to apply the counsel of God’s Word. Despite the problems and pressures of life that affect all persons, such families experience right now many fine results from doing so. But they are looking beyond the present, and they are not thinking in terms of just a few years of life before death ends it all. With confidence in the reliability of the promises of God, each member of the family will happily build for an eternal future.
15 This book has shown from the Bible that God’s purpose in creating the earth is to have it inhabited. He established the family to accomplish this. Jehovah God also gave guidelines for fathers, mothers and children, and these have been considered. Have you been able to apply some of these principles in your family? Have they helped you to make your family life happier? We hope so. But what does the future hold for you and your family?
16 Would you like to help in caring for the earth, in making its fields produce bumper crops and its deserts to blossom? Would you like to see thorns and thistles give way to orchards and majestic forests? Would you and your family be pleased to exercise dominion over animals, not with guns, whips and steel bars, but through love and mutual trust?
17 If your heart yearns for the time when swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning shears, when there will be no more makers of bombs or fomenters of war, then you would rejoice in Jehovah’s new system of things. Oppressive political rule, commercial greed and religious hypocrisy will be things of the past. Every family will dwell in peace under its own vine and fig tree. The earth will ring with the happy cries of resurrected children and with the stirring songs of many birds. And the air will be exhilarating with fragrance of flowers instead of stifling with industrial pollution.-Micah 4:1-4.
18 If it is your heartfelt hope to see the lame leap like the stag, to hear the tongue of the mute sing, to watch the eyes of the blind open, to learn that the ears of the deaf are unstopped, to witness sighing and crying give way to smiles, and tears and mourning give way to laughter, and pain and death give way to health and eternal life, then do your utmost to aid yourself and your family to take the action needed to live forever in Jehovah’s new system where such conditions will exist forever.-Revelation 21:1-4.
19 Will your family be among the happy throngs who will fill the earth at that time? It is up to you. Follow Jehovah’s instructions for family life now. Work as a family to prove now that you would fit into the life-style of that new system. Study God’s Word, apply it in your lives, tell others of the hope ahead. By so doing, you as a family will be making "a good name" with God. "A good name is to be chosen rather than abundant riches; favor is better than even silver and gold." Such a name Jehovah will not forget: "The remembrance of the righteous one is due for a blessing." (Proverbs 22:1, margin; 10:7) By Jehovah’s undeserved kindness you and your family may be blessed with an eternal future of supreme happiness.
[Study Questions]
1. In promoting family happiness, why is it good to think about the future?
2. (a) Why do many persons not want to think about the future? (b) If we desire a happy future, to whom should we listen?
3. (a) What prospects did God put before the first humans? (b) Why did things turn out differently?
4. What arrangement has Jehovah God made so that his original purpose regarding humankind will be realized?
5-7. (a) If we do God’s will now, to what can we look forward in the future? (b) What question might you raise about helping your family?
8. To gain God’s approval, what is required of us?
9. What Scriptural principles can help us to be balanced in our view of the common affairs of life?
10. How important is regular Bible discussion in the home?
11. When it comes to spiritual progress, what tendency should be avoided in the family?
12. With whom should we not neglect to associate?
13. What responsibility do we have toward persons outside the Christian congregation?
14. The application of what counsel promotes happy family life?
15. What questions might you ask yourself about the benefits of the Scriptural guidelines set forth in this book?
16-18. What grand conditions has Jehovah God purposed for this earth?
19. How may you and your family be among those who will enjoy the blessings of God’s new system?
[Full-page picture on page 189]
Marriage Foundation
Laying a Fine Foundation for Your Marriage
A HOUSE, a life or a marriage is only as good as the foundation on which it rests. In one of his illustrations Jesus spoke of two men-a wise one who built his house on solid rock and a foolish one who built on sandy soil. When a storm arose, and floodwaters and winds lashed the houses, the one on solid rock stood, but the one on sand fell with a great crash.
2 Jesus was not teaching people how to build houses. He was emphasizing the need to build their lives on a fine foundation. As God’s messenger, he said: "Everyone that hears these sayings of mine and does them" is like the man building on solid rock. But "everyone hearing these sayings of mine and not doing them" is like the one building on sand.-Matthew 7:24-27.
3 Note that in both cases Jesus shows it is not just a matter of hearing wise counsel and knowing what to do. What makes the difference between success and failure is the doing of what the wise counsel says. "If you know these things, happy you are if you do them."-John 13:17.
4 This is certainly true of marriage. If we build our marriage on a rocklike foundation, it will stand the stresses of life. But from where does this fine foundation come? From the Creator of marriage, Jehovah God. He started marriage when he brought the first human pair together as husband and wife. Then he gave them wise instructions for their own good. Whether they followed these wise instructions would determine whether they had an everlasting glorious future or no future at all. Both of them knew God’s instructions, but, sadly, they allowed selfishness to prevent them from obeying these guidelines. They chose to ignore the counsel and, as a result, their marriage and their lives collapsed like a storm-lashed house built on sand.
5 Jehovah God brought that first pair together in marriage, but he does not personally make the marital arrangements for couples today. His wise counsel for happy marriages, however, is still available. It is up to each individual today who contemplates marriage to decide whether he will apply the counsel. God’s Word also shows that we can ask him for help in making a wise decision regarding a prospective mate.-James 1:5, 6.
6 Circumstances, of course, vary considerably in different parts of the earth. In many areas today men and women make their own selection of a marriage mate. But among a considerable part of earth’s population the parents work out the marriage, sometimes through a "matchmaker." In some areas a man gets a wife only after paying a "bride price" to her parents, and the size of the price may even put the marriage out of the man’s reach. Whatever the circumstances, however, the Bible provides counsel that can help toward the enduring success of a marriage.
KNOW YOURSELF FIRST
7 What do you want out of marriage? What are your needs-physically, emotionally, spiritually? What are your values, your goals and your methods of reaching them? To answer these questions you must know yourself. This is not as easy as one might think. It takes emotional maturity to examine ourselves, and even then it is not possible to see ourselves as we really are in every detail. The Christian apostle Paul indicated this when he wrote, at 1 Corinthians 4:4: "I am not conscious of anything against myself. Yet by this I am not proved righteous, but he that examines me is Jehovah."
8 On a certain occasion the Creator wanted the man Job to realize some facts that he was failing to discern, and God said to him: "Let me question you, and you inform me." (Job 38:3) Questions can help us to know ourselves and to discover motives. So question yourself about your interest in marriage.
9 Do you want to get married to satisfy physical needs-food, clothing, shelter? Those needs are basic to all of us, as the Bible says: "Having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things." And the need for sex? That is also a normal desire. "It is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion." (1 Timothy 6:8; 1 Corinthians 7:9) Is it for companionship? That was a major reason why God established the marriage arrangement. Another was for two persons to cooperate together in work. (Genesis 2:18; 1:26-28) Accomplishing good work is a source of satisfaction and should have its reward: "Every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God."-Ecclesiastes 3:13.
10 Persons in love have long viewed the heart as a symbol of their feelings. The Bible, however, asks a disturbing question about the heart: "Who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) Are you sure you know what is in your heart?
11 Often, physical attraction blinds us to other emotional needs. In seeking a mate, do you give sufficient weight to your need for receiving understanding, kindness and compassion? Basic needs of all of us are: someone to be close to, to confide in, to reveal ourselves to without fear of being hurt; someone who will not shut "the door of his tender compassions" upon us. (1 John 3:17) Can you give all of this to your mate, and will he or she give it to you in return?
12 Jesus said: "Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need." (Matthew 5:3) What is your spiritual need? Does it relate to seeking a career? Riches? Material possessions? Well, do these pursuits bring inner peace and contentment? Usually they do not. So we need to appreciate that within all persons there is a hunger of the spirit that remains, even after all the physical needs are satisfied. Our spirit hungers for identity-to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, and where we are going. Are you conscious of these spiritual needs, and of the way to meet them?
COMPATIBILITY
13 If you understand all these needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.
14 Many marriages end up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. Incompatibility is a big word, but its importance in marriage is even bigger. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. Such a situation brings to mind the provision of the Mosaic law that mercifully prohibited yoking together two animals of different build and strength, because of the hardship it would create. (Deuteronomy 22:10) So, too, with a man and a woman who are not well matched and yet are teamed up in marriage. When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain.
15 "There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk," the Bible tells us. (Proverbs 15:22) In considering marriage, have practical matters been discussed? How will the man’s work fit into the marriage? It will determine where you live and how much money will be coming in to meet practical needs. Who will handle the budget? Is there need for the wife to work, and is that desirable? What is to be the relationship with in-laws, especially the parents of both parties? How does each one feel about sex, children and the training of children? Does one want to dominate the other, or will kind consideration govern the relationship?
16 Can all these questions, and others as well, be discussed calmly and logically, and settled in a way that both of you can live with comfortably? Can problems be faced and solved together, and the channel of communication be kept always open? That is the lifeline of a successful marriage.
17 Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds. The book Aid to Bible Understanding, page 1114, states about marriage in Bible times:
"It seems to have been generally customary for a man to look for a wife within the circle of his own relations or tribe. This principle is indicated by Laban’s statement to Jacob: ‘It is better for me to give [my daughter] to you than for me to give her to another man.’ (Genesis 29:19) Especially was this observed among the worshipers of Jehovah, as exemplified by Abraham, who sent to his relatives in his own country to get a wife for his son Isaac rather than to take one from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom he was dwelling. (Genesis 24:3, 4)"
18 Of course, this does not mean it is advisable for a person today to marry a very close relative, for this could produce genetic problems that might result in defective offspring. But family backgrounds do have much to do with the set of values people have. During childhood and youth a person’s conduct and feelings are naturally influenced by the family atmosphere. When the backgrounds of both parties are similar, they usually find it easier to ‘grow in the same soil and flourish in the same climate.’ However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.
19 Clearly it is beneficial if you can know something about your prospective mate’s family. But also see how he or she relates to the family-to parents and brothers and sisters. How does he or she treat older persons, or get along with young children?
20 Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?
21 It is not the shortcomings themselves that make marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? The apostle Peter said, "Love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.
‘I CAN CHANGE HIM’
22 Do you say, ‘I can change him’ or ‘her,’ as the case may be? But with whom are you in love? With the person as he or she is, or as that one will be after your remodeling efforts? It is difficult to change ourselves, much more so to change others. However, powerful truths from God’s Word can cause the individual to change himself. A person can "put away the old personality," being made new in the force actuating the mind. (Ephesians 4:22, 23) But be very skeptical of a prospective mate’s promise to make a sudden change for you! Though bad habits can be corrected or modified, this may take time, even years. Nor can we ignore the fact that inherited traits and environmental factors have given us specific temperaments and molded us in certain ways to make us distinct individuals. True love can move us to help one another to improve and to overcome weaknesses, but it will not move us to try to force a mate into a new and unnatural mold that crushes his or her personality.
23 Some have in their minds an image of their ideal, and they try to fit every passing infatuation of theirs into this image. Of course, no one can measure up to an impossible dream, but the infatuated one hangs on tenaciously and tries to force the other person to fulfill it. When this fails, he or she is disillusioned and searches elsewhere to find the imaginary ideal. But such ones never find their ideal. They seek a dream person that does not exist beyond their own fantasies. Persons who think like that are not good marriage material.
24 Perhaps you have had such dreams. Most of us have at certain times in our lives; many young people do. But with increased emotional maturity we realize that such fantasies must be put aside as impractical. In marriage what counts is reality, not mere imagination.
25 Real love is not as blind as many think. It will cover a multitude of shortcomings, but real love is not oblivious to them. It is infatuation, not love, that is blind, refusing to see the problems others can foresee. It even submerges its own nagging doubts; but be assured they will surface later on. Close your eyes to unpleasant facts during courtship and you will certainly face them after the wedding. Our natural inclination is to put on our best appearance with someone we hope to please or attract, but in time the full and true picture is seen. Allow yourself that time to see the other person as he or she really is, and be honest in presenting yourself as you actually are. The apostle’s exhortation at 1 Corinthians 14:20 could also apply in seeking a mate: "Do not become young children . . . become full-grown in powers of understanding."
COMMITMENTS MADE IN MARRIAGE
26 One should soberly consider the commitments made in marriage. If the commitment of either person is not strong and solid, the marriage will rest on a shaky foundation. In many parts of the world today, marriages are made and then quickly broken. Often it is because the persons entering the marriage did not view the commitment as morally binding, taking the position instead that ‘if it doesn’t work out, I’ll end it.’ Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed from the start and, rather than bringing happiness, generally produces only heartache. The Bible, by contrast, shows that marriage should be a lifelong relationship. God said, of the first pair, that the two "must become one flesh." (Genesis 2:18, 23, 24) For the man there was to be no other woman, and for the woman no other man. God’s Son reaffirmed this, saying: "They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart." Only sexual unfaithfulness would be a just basis for breaking the marital bond.-Matthew 19:3-9.
27 In view of the seriousness of marriage, a woman who wants to be successful in it does well to marry only a man that she can respect-one who is stable and balanced, has sound judgment, is able to handle responsibility and is mature enough to accept helpful criticism. Ask yourself: Will he be a good provider, a good father to any children that may bless the union? Does he have high moral standards so that you can both be firmly resolved to keep the marriage bed honorable and undefiled? Does he manifest humility and modesty or is he proud and opinionated, one who wants to flaunt his headship, who thinks he is always right and is unwilling to reason on matters? By associating with the man for a sufficient time before marriage, these things can be discerned, especially if Bible principles are held to as the standard for judgment.
28 Similarly, a man who takes the success of his marriage seriously will seek a wife that he can love as his own flesh. She should complement him as a partner in establishing a home. (Genesis 2:18) Being a good homemaker is a demanding career of varied responsibilities. It calls for demonstrating talents as a cook, decorator, economist, mother, teacher, and much more. Her role can be creative and challenging, offering many opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. A good wife, like a worthwhile husband, is a worker: "She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat."-Proverbs 31:27.
29 Yes, both do well to give thought to what they see-to evidence of personal cleanliness and orderliness or lack of it; of diligence or, instead, of laziness; of reasonableness and consideration as opposed to stubbornness and egotism; of thriftiness or of wastefulness; of thinking ability that makes for enjoyable conversation and spiritual enrichment as contrasted with mental laziness that makes life a monotonous routine of caring for daily physical needs and little else.
30 Sincere respect for each other is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. And this also applies to expressions of affection during courtship. Undue familiarity or unbridled passion can cheapen the relationship before the marriage begins. Sexual immorality is not a good foundation on which to begin building a marriage. It betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person’s future happiness. The fierce heat of passion that momentarily seems to forge an unbreakable bond can quickly cool and, within weeks or even days, the marriage may turn to ashes.-Compare the account of Amnon’s passion for Tamar related at 2 Samuel 13:1-19.
31 Displays of passion in courtship can sow seeds of doubt that later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it to share life with someone who is genuinely appreciated and loved as a person? Lack of self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of it afterward, with resulting infidelity and unhappiness. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Bad memories left by premarital immorality can hinder a smooth emotional adjustment to marriage in its early stages.
32 Even more serious, such immorality damages one’s relationship with our Creator, whose help we seriously need. "For this is what God wills, the sanctifying of you, that you abstain from fornication; . . . that no one go to the point of harming and encroach upon the rights of his brother [or, reasonably, of one’s sister] in this matter . . . So, then, the man that shows disregard is disregarding, not man, but God, who puts his holy spirit in you."-1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.
A ROCK FOUNDATION
33 Will your household, your family, rest on a foundation of rock or one of sand? In part it depends on the degree of wisdom used when selecting a mate. Beauty and sex are not enough. They do not erase mental and spiritual incompatibility. The counsel in God’s Word is what provides a rock foundation in marriage.
34 The Bible shows that the inner person is more important than the outward appearance. "Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain," says the inspired proverb, "but the woman that fears Jehovah is the one that procures praise for herself." (Proverbs 31:30) The apostle Peter, a married man, speaks of "the secret person of the heart" and "the quiet and mild spirit" as being "of great value in the eyes of God." (1 Peter 3:4) God ‘does not go by a man’s outward appearance,’ and we can benefit from his example by guarding against being unduly influenced by just the external appearance of the prospective marriage mate.-1 Samuel 16:7.
35 Wise King Solomon contemplated life and came to this conclusion: "Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man." (Ecclesiastes 12:13) The Israelites, in covenant to obey God’s law, were specifically commanded not to make marriages with persons who did not share their form of worship, lest it draw them way from the true God. "You must form no marriage alliance with them. Your daughter you must not give to his son, and his daughter you must not take for your son. For he will turn your son from following me, and they will certainly serve other gods."-Deuteronomy 7:3, 4.
36 For similar reasons the admonition was given to those in God’s "new covenant," those in the Christian congregation, to marry only "in the Lord." (Jeremiah 31:31-33; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Rather than manifesting bigotry, this is motivated by wisdom and love. Nothing can give greater strength to marriage ties than mutual devotion to the Creator. If you marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word, and who understands it as you do, then you will have a common authority for counsel. You may not feel this to be vital, but "do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits." (1 Corinthians 15:33) Even within the Christian congregation, however, one does well to be sure that a prospective marriage partner is really a wholehearted servant of God, not one who is trying to live on the fringe of Christianity while leaning heavily toward the attitudes and practices of the world. You cannot walk with God and run with the world.-James 4:4.
37 "Who of you that wants to build a tower," Jesus asked, "does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, he might lay its foundation but not be able to finish it." (Luke 14:28, 29) The same principle applies to marriage. Since God views marriage as a lifelong union, the selection of a mate should certainly not be rushed. And be sure that you yourself are ready to finish what you have begun. Even courtship is not something to take lightly, like a game. Playing with another’s affections is a cruel sport and the emotional bruises and heartache it causes can last a long time.-Proverbs 10:23; 13:12.
38 Prudent young people considering marriage do well to listen to the counsel of older persons, especially those who have shown that they have your best interests at heart. Job 12:12 reminds us of the value of this by asking: "Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?" Listen to these voices of experience. Above all, "trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:5, 6.
39 Many who read these words may already be married. Though to some extent your foundation has already been laid, the Bible can aid you to make adjustments where needed, with rewarding results. Whatever the state of your marriage, it can be enhanced by further reflection on the Creator’s counsel on family happiness.
[Study Questions]
1-3. According to Matthew 7:24-27, on what does real success in life depend?
4. What are some things that we can learn from the marriage of the first human pair? (Genesis 2:22-3:19)
5, 6. What help does God provide for married persons and for those who are contemplating marriage?
7-10. (a) When contemplating marriage, what does a person need to know about himself? How can he find out? (b) What does the Bible say as to the validity of reasons for getting married?
11. What basic emotional needs should be satisfied in marriage?
12. Why is the satisfying of physical and emotional needs not sufficient for a happy marriage?
13. For a happy marriage, what must you discern in addition to your own needs?
14. In many marriages, why do mates find that they are incompatible?
15, 16. What are some matters that should be discussed with a prospective marriage mate, and how?
17-19. Why do family backgrounds have a bearing on compatibility in marriage?
20, 21. In selecting a mate, what view should be taken of individual shortcomings?
22-24. Why is it unwise to marry someone on the basis of his promise to change his ways or with the intent of trying to change the person?
25. What is the difference between real love and infatuation?
26. According to the Scriptures, how binding is the marriage tie? (Romans 7:2, 3)
27-29. (a) What does a woman do well to look for in a prospective marriage mate? (b) What might a man wisely look for in a prospective marriage mate?
30, 31. Why can immoral conduct during courtship hinder one’s enjoying a good marriage?
32. How can immoral conduct during courtship affect one’s relationship with God?
33, 34. When one is choosing a marriage mate, what qualities do the Scriptures show to be far more important than physical appearance?
35, 36. (a) Why is it important to marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word? (b) To what extent would you expect a prospective mate to be manifesting that faith?
37, 38. (a) Why should one avoid rushing into either courtship or marriage? (b) To whose counsel do those considering marriage do well to listen?
39. How can the Bible be of assistance to persons who are already married?
[Picture on page 12]
Can your marriage withstand stormy times?
A HOUSE, a life or a marriage is only as good as the foundation on which it rests. In one of his illustrations Jesus spoke of two men-a wise one who built his house on solid rock and a foolish one who built on sandy soil. When a storm arose, and floodwaters and winds lashed the houses, the one on solid rock stood, but the one on sand fell with a great crash.
2 Jesus was not teaching people how to build houses. He was emphasizing the need to build their lives on a fine foundation. As God’s messenger, he said: "Everyone that hears these sayings of mine and does them" is like the man building on solid rock. But "everyone hearing these sayings of mine and not doing them" is like the one building on sand.-Matthew 7:24-27.
3 Note that in both cases Jesus shows it is not just a matter of hearing wise counsel and knowing what to do. What makes the difference between success and failure is the doing of what the wise counsel says. "If you know these things, happy you are if you do them."-John 13:17.
4 This is certainly true of marriage. If we build our marriage on a rocklike foundation, it will stand the stresses of life. But from where does this fine foundation come? From the Creator of marriage, Jehovah God. He started marriage when he brought the first human pair together as husband and wife. Then he gave them wise instructions for their own good. Whether they followed these wise instructions would determine whether they had an everlasting glorious future or no future at all. Both of them knew God’s instructions, but, sadly, they allowed selfishness to prevent them from obeying these guidelines. They chose to ignore the counsel and, as a result, their marriage and their lives collapsed like a storm-lashed house built on sand.
5 Jehovah God brought that first pair together in marriage, but he does not personally make the marital arrangements for couples today. His wise counsel for happy marriages, however, is still available. It is up to each individual today who contemplates marriage to decide whether he will apply the counsel. God’s Word also shows that we can ask him for help in making a wise decision regarding a prospective mate.-James 1:5, 6.
6 Circumstances, of course, vary considerably in different parts of the earth. In many areas today men and women make their own selection of a marriage mate. But among a considerable part of earth’s population the parents work out the marriage, sometimes through a "matchmaker." In some areas a man gets a wife only after paying a "bride price" to her parents, and the size of the price may even put the marriage out of the man’s reach. Whatever the circumstances, however, the Bible provides counsel that can help toward the enduring success of a marriage.
KNOW YOURSELF FIRST
7 What do you want out of marriage? What are your needs-physically, emotionally, spiritually? What are your values, your goals and your methods of reaching them? To answer these questions you must know yourself. This is not as easy as one might think. It takes emotional maturity to examine ourselves, and even then it is not possible to see ourselves as we really are in every detail. The Christian apostle Paul indicated this when he wrote, at 1 Corinthians 4:4: "I am not conscious of anything against myself. Yet by this I am not proved righteous, but he that examines me is Jehovah."
8 On a certain occasion the Creator wanted the man Job to realize some facts that he was failing to discern, and God said to him: "Let me question you, and you inform me." (Job 38:3) Questions can help us to know ourselves and to discover motives. So question yourself about your interest in marriage.
9 Do you want to get married to satisfy physical needs-food, clothing, shelter? Those needs are basic to all of us, as the Bible says: "Having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things." And the need for sex? That is also a normal desire. "It is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion." (1 Timothy 6:8; 1 Corinthians 7:9) Is it for companionship? That was a major reason why God established the marriage arrangement. Another was for two persons to cooperate together in work. (Genesis 2:18; 1:26-28) Accomplishing good work is a source of satisfaction and should have its reward: "Every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God."-Ecclesiastes 3:13.
10 Persons in love have long viewed the heart as a symbol of their feelings. The Bible, however, asks a disturbing question about the heart: "Who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) Are you sure you know what is in your heart?
11 Often, physical attraction blinds us to other emotional needs. In seeking a mate, do you give sufficient weight to your need for receiving understanding, kindness and compassion? Basic needs of all of us are: someone to be close to, to confide in, to reveal ourselves to without fear of being hurt; someone who will not shut "the door of his tender compassions" upon us. (1 John 3:17) Can you give all of this to your mate, and will he or she give it to you in return?
12 Jesus said: "Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need." (Matthew 5:3) What is your spiritual need? Does it relate to seeking a career? Riches? Material possessions? Well, do these pursuits bring inner peace and contentment? Usually they do not. So we need to appreciate that within all persons there is a hunger of the spirit that remains, even after all the physical needs are satisfied. Our spirit hungers for identity-to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, and where we are going. Are you conscious of these spiritual needs, and of the way to meet them?
COMPATIBILITY
13 If you understand all these needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.
14 Many marriages end up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. Incompatibility is a big word, but its importance in marriage is even bigger. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. Such a situation brings to mind the provision of the Mosaic law that mercifully prohibited yoking together two animals of different build and strength, because of the hardship it would create. (Deuteronomy 22:10) So, too, with a man and a woman who are not well matched and yet are teamed up in marriage. When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain.
15 "There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk," the Bible tells us. (Proverbs 15:22) In considering marriage, have practical matters been discussed? How will the man’s work fit into the marriage? It will determine where you live and how much money will be coming in to meet practical needs. Who will handle the budget? Is there need for the wife to work, and is that desirable? What is to be the relationship with in-laws, especially the parents of both parties? How does each one feel about sex, children and the training of children? Does one want to dominate the other, or will kind consideration govern the relationship?
16 Can all these questions, and others as well, be discussed calmly and logically, and settled in a way that both of you can live with comfortably? Can problems be faced and solved together, and the channel of communication be kept always open? That is the lifeline of a successful marriage.
17 Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds. The book Aid to Bible Understanding, page 1114, states about marriage in Bible times:
"It seems to have been generally customary for a man to look for a wife within the circle of his own relations or tribe. This principle is indicated by Laban’s statement to Jacob: ‘It is better for me to give [my daughter] to you than for me to give her to another man.’ (Genesis 29:19) Especially was this observed among the worshipers of Jehovah, as exemplified by Abraham, who sent to his relatives in his own country to get a wife for his son Isaac rather than to take one from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom he was dwelling. (Genesis 24:3, 4)"
18 Of course, this does not mean it is advisable for a person today to marry a very close relative, for this could produce genetic problems that might result in defective offspring. But family backgrounds do have much to do with the set of values people have. During childhood and youth a person’s conduct and feelings are naturally influenced by the family atmosphere. When the backgrounds of both parties are similar, they usually find it easier to ‘grow in the same soil and flourish in the same climate.’ However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.
19 Clearly it is beneficial if you can know something about your prospective mate’s family. But also see how he or she relates to the family-to parents and brothers and sisters. How does he or she treat older persons, or get along with young children?
20 Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?
21 It is not the shortcomings themselves that make marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? The apostle Peter said, "Love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.
‘I CAN CHANGE HIM’
22 Do you say, ‘I can change him’ or ‘her,’ as the case may be? But with whom are you in love? With the person as he or she is, or as that one will be after your remodeling efforts? It is difficult to change ourselves, much more so to change others. However, powerful truths from God’s Word can cause the individual to change himself. A person can "put away the old personality," being made new in the force actuating the mind. (Ephesians 4:22, 23) But be very skeptical of a prospective mate’s promise to make a sudden change for you! Though bad habits can be corrected or modified, this may take time, even years. Nor can we ignore the fact that inherited traits and environmental factors have given us specific temperaments and molded us in certain ways to make us distinct individuals. True love can move us to help one another to improve and to overcome weaknesses, but it will not move us to try to force a mate into a new and unnatural mold that crushes his or her personality.
23 Some have in their minds an image of their ideal, and they try to fit every passing infatuation of theirs into this image. Of course, no one can measure up to an impossible dream, but the infatuated one hangs on tenaciously and tries to force the other person to fulfill it. When this fails, he or she is disillusioned and searches elsewhere to find the imaginary ideal. But such ones never find their ideal. They seek a dream person that does not exist beyond their own fantasies. Persons who think like that are not good marriage material.
24 Perhaps you have had such dreams. Most of us have at certain times in our lives; many young people do. But with increased emotional maturity we realize that such fantasies must be put aside as impractical. In marriage what counts is reality, not mere imagination.
25 Real love is not as blind as many think. It will cover a multitude of shortcomings, but real love is not oblivious to them. It is infatuation, not love, that is blind, refusing to see the problems others can foresee. It even submerges its own nagging doubts; but be assured they will surface later on. Close your eyes to unpleasant facts during courtship and you will certainly face them after the wedding. Our natural inclination is to put on our best appearance with someone we hope to please or attract, but in time the full and true picture is seen. Allow yourself that time to see the other person as he or she really is, and be honest in presenting yourself as you actually are. The apostle’s exhortation at 1 Corinthians 14:20 could also apply in seeking a mate: "Do not become young children . . . become full-grown in powers of understanding."
COMMITMENTS MADE IN MARRIAGE
26 One should soberly consider the commitments made in marriage. If the commitment of either person is not strong and solid, the marriage will rest on a shaky foundation. In many parts of the world today, marriages are made and then quickly broken. Often it is because the persons entering the marriage did not view the commitment as morally binding, taking the position instead that ‘if it doesn’t work out, I’ll end it.’ Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed from the start and, rather than bringing happiness, generally produces only heartache. The Bible, by contrast, shows that marriage should be a lifelong relationship. God said, of the first pair, that the two "must become one flesh." (Genesis 2:18, 23, 24) For the man there was to be no other woman, and for the woman no other man. God’s Son reaffirmed this, saying: "They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart." Only sexual unfaithfulness would be a just basis for breaking the marital bond.-Matthew 19:3-9.
27 In view of the seriousness of marriage, a woman who wants to be successful in it does well to marry only a man that she can respect-one who is stable and balanced, has sound judgment, is able to handle responsibility and is mature enough to accept helpful criticism. Ask yourself: Will he be a good provider, a good father to any children that may bless the union? Does he have high moral standards so that you can both be firmly resolved to keep the marriage bed honorable and undefiled? Does he manifest humility and modesty or is he proud and opinionated, one who wants to flaunt his headship, who thinks he is always right and is unwilling to reason on matters? By associating with the man for a sufficient time before marriage, these things can be discerned, especially if Bible principles are held to as the standard for judgment.
28 Similarly, a man who takes the success of his marriage seriously will seek a wife that he can love as his own flesh. She should complement him as a partner in establishing a home. (Genesis 2:18) Being a good homemaker is a demanding career of varied responsibilities. It calls for demonstrating talents as a cook, decorator, economist, mother, teacher, and much more. Her role can be creative and challenging, offering many opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. A good wife, like a worthwhile husband, is a worker: "She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat."-Proverbs 31:27.
29 Yes, both do well to give thought to what they see-to evidence of personal cleanliness and orderliness or lack of it; of diligence or, instead, of laziness; of reasonableness and consideration as opposed to stubbornness and egotism; of thriftiness or of wastefulness; of thinking ability that makes for enjoyable conversation and spiritual enrichment as contrasted with mental laziness that makes life a monotonous routine of caring for daily physical needs and little else.
30 Sincere respect for each other is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. And this also applies to expressions of affection during courtship. Undue familiarity or unbridled passion can cheapen the relationship before the marriage begins. Sexual immorality is not a good foundation on which to begin building a marriage. It betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person’s future happiness. The fierce heat of passion that momentarily seems to forge an unbreakable bond can quickly cool and, within weeks or even days, the marriage may turn to ashes.-Compare the account of Amnon’s passion for Tamar related at 2 Samuel 13:1-19.
31 Displays of passion in courtship can sow seeds of doubt that later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it to share life with someone who is genuinely appreciated and loved as a person? Lack of self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of it afterward, with resulting infidelity and unhappiness. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Bad memories left by premarital immorality can hinder a smooth emotional adjustment to marriage in its early stages.
32 Even more serious, such immorality damages one’s relationship with our Creator, whose help we seriously need. "For this is what God wills, the sanctifying of you, that you abstain from fornication; . . . that no one go to the point of harming and encroach upon the rights of his brother [or, reasonably, of one’s sister] in this matter . . . So, then, the man that shows disregard is disregarding, not man, but God, who puts his holy spirit in you."-1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.
A ROCK FOUNDATION
33 Will your household, your family, rest on a foundation of rock or one of sand? In part it depends on the degree of wisdom used when selecting a mate. Beauty and sex are not enough. They do not erase mental and spiritual incompatibility. The counsel in God’s Word is what provides a rock foundation in marriage.
34 The Bible shows that the inner person is more important than the outward appearance. "Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain," says the inspired proverb, "but the woman that fears Jehovah is the one that procures praise for herself." (Proverbs 31:30) The apostle Peter, a married man, speaks of "the secret person of the heart" and "the quiet and mild spirit" as being "of great value in the eyes of God." (1 Peter 3:4) God ‘does not go by a man’s outward appearance,’ and we can benefit from his example by guarding against being unduly influenced by just the external appearance of the prospective marriage mate.-1 Samuel 16:7.
35 Wise King Solomon contemplated life and came to this conclusion: "Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man." (Ecclesiastes 12:13) The Israelites, in covenant to obey God’s law, were specifically commanded not to make marriages with persons who did not share their form of worship, lest it draw them way from the true God. "You must form no marriage alliance with them. Your daughter you must not give to his son, and his daughter you must not take for your son. For he will turn your son from following me, and they will certainly serve other gods."-Deuteronomy 7:3, 4.
36 For similar reasons the admonition was given to those in God’s "new covenant," those in the Christian congregation, to marry only "in the Lord." (Jeremiah 31:31-33; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Rather than manifesting bigotry, this is motivated by wisdom and love. Nothing can give greater strength to marriage ties than mutual devotion to the Creator. If you marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word, and who understands it as you do, then you will have a common authority for counsel. You may not feel this to be vital, but "do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits." (1 Corinthians 15:33) Even within the Christian congregation, however, one does well to be sure that a prospective marriage partner is really a wholehearted servant of God, not one who is trying to live on the fringe of Christianity while leaning heavily toward the attitudes and practices of the world. You cannot walk with God and run with the world.-James 4:4.
37 "Who of you that wants to build a tower," Jesus asked, "does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, he might lay its foundation but not be able to finish it." (Luke 14:28, 29) The same principle applies to marriage. Since God views marriage as a lifelong union, the selection of a mate should certainly not be rushed. And be sure that you yourself are ready to finish what you have begun. Even courtship is not something to take lightly, like a game. Playing with another’s affections is a cruel sport and the emotional bruises and heartache it causes can last a long time.-Proverbs 10:23; 13:12.
38 Prudent young people considering marriage do well to listen to the counsel of older persons, especially those who have shown that they have your best interests at heart. Job 12:12 reminds us of the value of this by asking: "Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?" Listen to these voices of experience. Above all, "trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:5, 6.
39 Many who read these words may already be married. Though to some extent your foundation has already been laid, the Bible can aid you to make adjustments where needed, with rewarding results. Whatever the state of your marriage, it can be enhanced by further reflection on the Creator’s counsel on family happiness.
[Study Questions]
1-3. According to Matthew 7:24-27, on what does real success in life depend?
4. What are some things that we can learn from the marriage of the first human pair? (Genesis 2:22-3:19)
5, 6. What help does God provide for married persons and for those who are contemplating marriage?
7-10. (a) When contemplating marriage, what does a person need to know about himself? How can he find out? (b) What does the Bible say as to the validity of reasons for getting married?
11. What basic emotional needs should be satisfied in marriage?
12. Why is the satisfying of physical and emotional needs not sufficient for a happy marriage?
13. For a happy marriage, what must you discern in addition to your own needs?
14. In many marriages, why do mates find that they are incompatible?
15, 16. What are some matters that should be discussed with a prospective marriage mate, and how?
17-19. Why do family backgrounds have a bearing on compatibility in marriage?
20, 21. In selecting a mate, what view should be taken of individual shortcomings?
22-24. Why is it unwise to marry someone on the basis of his promise to change his ways or with the intent of trying to change the person?
25. What is the difference between real love and infatuation?
26. According to the Scriptures, how binding is the marriage tie? (Romans 7:2, 3)
27-29. (a) What does a woman do well to look for in a prospective marriage mate? (b) What might a man wisely look for in a prospective marriage mate?
30, 31. Why can immoral conduct during courtship hinder one’s enjoying a good marriage?
32. How can immoral conduct during courtship affect one’s relationship with God?
33, 34. When one is choosing a marriage mate, what qualities do the Scriptures show to be far more important than physical appearance?
35, 36. (a) Why is it important to marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word? (b) To what extent would you expect a prospective mate to be manifesting that faith?
37, 38. (a) Why should one avoid rushing into either courtship or marriage? (b) To whose counsel do those considering marriage do well to listen?
39. How can the Bible be of assistance to persons who are already married?
[Picture on page 12]
Can your marriage withstand stormy times?
Make parent's rejoice!
Making Your Parents’ Hearts Rejoice
WHETHER we are still very young, are moving into adulthood, or are now grown men and women, all of us are someone’s children. It would be hard to estimate the worth of all the 20 years or so of care, work, money and self-sacrificing effort that have been expended on most of us from infancy to adulthood. And, in reality, our parents gave each of us something we cannot possibly give to them in return. For, whatever else we may owe them, we owe them our present life. Without them, we would not be. This obvious truth of itself should be more than enough reason for heeding the divine command: "‘Honor your father and your mother’; which is the first command with a promise: ‘That it may go well with you and you may endure a long time on the earth.’"-Ephesians 6:2, 3.
2 While we are first indebted to our Creator as the true Source of all life, we should feel a deep sense of indebtedness to our parents. What can we give to them in exchange for what they gave us? God’s Son said that all the world’s possessions cannot buy life, for you simply cannot put a price tag on life. (Mark 8:36, 37; Psalm 49:6-8) God’s Word tells us: "Do not you people be owing anybody a single thing, except to love one another." (Romans 13:8) In a special way, we should feel moved to keep giving love to our parents as something owed them as long as they and we live. While we cannot give them life as they gave it to us, we can contribute to them something that makes life worth living. We can contribute to their joy and their feeling of deep satisfaction. We can do that in a special way that possibly no other persons can, for we are their children.
3 As Proverbs 23:24, 25 says: "The father of a righteous one will without fail be joyful; the one becoming father to a wise one will also rejoice in him. Your father and your mother will rejoice, and she that gave birth to you will be joyful." It is a natural desire of parents to be able to take pride in what their children do, to find pleasure in them. Is that the case with our parents?
4 In large measure that depends on whether we genuinely respect their position and listen to their counsel. For those who are still young, God’s counsel is: "Children, be obedient to your parents in everything, for this is well-pleasing in the Lord." (Colossians 3:20) "Everything" clearly does not mean that parents have authority to require things out of line with God’s Word, but it does show that, while we are young, they are responsible to guide us in all aspects of life.-Proverbs 1:8.
5 Are you now young? Someday you may be a parent. Would you want children who treated you with respect, or children who were defiant, perhaps who pretended to listen, but who disobeyed when out of your sight? Rather than bringing joy, Proverbs 17:25 says: "A foolish son is a vexation to his father and a bitterness to her who gave him birth." (The Bible in Living English) Just as you have a special ability to make your parents happy, you also, more than any other persons, can bring them deep sadness and disappointment. Your conduct will determine which way it will be.
ACQUIRING WISDOM TAKES TIME
6 It is good for youths to appreciate that age is an important factor in acquiring wisdom. Are you 10 years old now? You can see that you know more than when you were five, can’t you? Are you 15? You know more than when you were 10, don’t you? Are you approaching 20? You must appreciate that you know still more than when you were 15. It is easy to look back and see that age makes you wiser, but it is difficult to look ahead and accept this truth. No matter how wise a young person may feel, he or she should realize that the future can and should bring greater wisdom.
7 What is the point of this? That your parents, because they are older than you and have more experience than you do, reasonably are also wiser than you in coping with the problems of life. This is difficult for many young persons to accept. They may refer to older persons as "old fogies." Some may be, but many are not, no more than all young persons are irresponsible just because some are. It is not unusual for the young to think themselves wiser than the old. A king of Israel made this blunder, with disastrous results. When 41-year-old Rehoboam succeeded his father Solomon as king, the people asked that their burdens be made lighter. Rehoboam consulted older men, who counseled gentleness and kindness. He then went to young men and they advised harsh measures. He took their advice. The result? Ten of the 12 tribes rebelled and Rehoboam was left with only about one sixth of his kingdom. The aged, not the young, gave the wise counsel. "Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?"-Job 12:12; 1 Kings 12:1-16; 14:21.
8 Do not consider the advice of your parents outdated just because they are no longer youths. Rather, as God’s Word says: "Listen to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old." Age deserves respect. "Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man, and you must be in fear of your God. I am Jehovah." True, many young people ignore these commands. But doing so has not brought happiness-not to themselves and certainly not to their parents.-Proverbs 23:22; Leviticus 19:32.
DO YOUR PART
9 There is no getting around it-what you do affects other people. If one member of the family suffers, all are disturbed. Also, if one is a complainer or a rebel, the peace of the entire family is disrupted. In order to have a happy family life, each one must do his part.-Compare 1 Corinthians 12:26.
10 There are positive, constructive things that you can do. Parents work hard to care for the needs of the family. If you are young and living at home, you can help. Much of life is spent at work. Some people complain about it. But if you learn to do good work and to do it with a good motive, it will bring genuine satisfaction. On the other hand, a person who doesn’t do his share but expects others to do everything for him never knows that satisfaction, and he is a source of irritation to others, as the Bible says, just like ‘smoke in one’s eyes.’ (Proverbs 10:26; Ecclesiastes 3:12, 13) So, when chores are assigned to you at home, do them and do them well. And if you really want to bring pleasure to your parents, do some extras, without being asked. You will probably find that work the most enjoyable of all-because you did it simply out of your heart’s desire to bring happiness to them.
11 When people are impressed by a young person, they almost always want to know whose child he or she is. When young David demonstrated remarkable courage and faith, King Saul right away asked: "Whose son is the boy?" (1 Samuel 17:55-58) You bear your family’s name. What you do and the kind of person you are will affect the way people view that name and the parents who gave it to you. There are so many ways you can bring honor to your parents-in your neighborhood and at school-by showing kindness, helpfulness, respect and friendliness to others. And at the same time you thereby honor your Creator.-Proverbs 20:11; Hebrews 13:16.
12 Your parents’ happiness is bound up with your own. Their efforts at training you are aimed to give you a good start on the road of life. Cooperate with them and you will give them great pleasure, for they want the best for you. As the inspired writer expressed it: "My son, if your heart has become wise, my heart will rejoice." (Proverbs 23:15) If your parents recognize their responsibility before God to guide you in ways of true wisdom, help them to discharge that responsibility faithfully. "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, in order that you may become wise in your future."-Proverbs 19:20.
13 There may be times when you feel that your parents require too much of you or that the restrictions are too many. To achieve the right balance in matters of discipline is not easy. Someday, if you have a family, you may find that you face the same problem. If your parents restrict your association with certain youths, or guard you against the use of drugs, or limit your association to some extent with those of the opposite sex, stop and think how much better it is to have parents who discipline than to have ones who don’t care! (Proverbs 13:20; 3:31) Heed their discipline. You’ll benefit yourself and make their hearts rejoice.-Proverbs 6:23; 13:1; 15:5; Hebrews 12:7-11.
14 Of course, many situations that arise at home are not of your own making. But how you react influences the atmosphere of the household. The Bible counsels: "If possible, as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable with all men." (Romans 12:18) It is not always easy to do this. We are all different; we see things differently and react differently. There will be conflicting opinions and desires. Suppose the conflict is with your brother or sister. You may feel that the other person is being selfish. What will you do?
15 Some children would promptly shout an accusation and demand that one of their parents intervene. Or, they might take things into their own hands, shoving and hitting, in order to get their way. But an inspired proverb says: "The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger." (Proverbs 19:11) In what way? In that it causes him to consider extenuating circumstances. (Perhaps the act was not deliberate.) It makes him remember the many times when he himself has been in the wrong. (And how grateful he is for God’s forgiveness!) It may also make him realize that, even if his brother or sister is in the wrong, it would still be wrong on his part to let his anger disrupt the peace of the entire household. Of a person with such insight, the proverb goes on to say: "It is beauty on his part to pass over transgression."-See also Colossians 3:13, 14.
16 Basically, what makes God-fearing parents rejoice is the same as what makes the heart of Jehovah rejoice. What makes them feel hurt is what makes him feel hurt. (Psalm 78:36-41) Parents who do not know the mind of Jehovah God may rejoice if their children become popular in the world, make a name for themselves, make lots of money, and so on. However, parents having Jehovah as their God know that this world and its desires are passing away but that "he that does the will of God remains forever." (1 John 2:15-17) So, what really makes them happy is to see their children obey their Creator, do his will and reflect his qualities. It is true that godly parents are happy when their children do well in their studies at school. But they are happier when their conduct at school and elsewhere reflects loyalty to God’s standards and a desire to please him. And they are especially pleased when those children continue to find pleasure in Jehovah’s ways right on up through their adult life.
RESPONSIBILITY TO CARE FOR PARENTS
17 Our concern for our parents should not cool off if we leave home when we have grown up. We want them to be happy throughout their lives. For many years they cared for our needs, often at considerable sacrifice to themselves. What can we do now to show that we are appreciative?
18 We can keep in mind the godly requirement: "Honor your father and your mother." (Matthew 19:19) We may be busy. But we need to realize that it means a great deal to our parents to hear from us and to have us visit them.
19 As the years pass, "honor" may be shown in other ways. If there is need for material help, show appreciation for all that they did for you, and also for Jehovah’s righteous requirements. The apostle Paul wrote concerning those who are elderly: "If any widow has children or grandchildren, let these learn first to practice godly devotion in their own household and to keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents, for this is acceptable in God’s sight."-1 Timothy 5:3, 4.
20 The fact that "honor" to one’s parents may include material support is clearly shown in the Scriptures. On one occasion the Pharisees had accosted Jesus and accused his disciples of violating traditions. Jesus countered: "Why is it you also overstep the commandment of God because of your tradition? For example, God said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Let him that reviles father or mother end up in death.’ But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother: "Whatever I have by which you might get benefit from me is a gift dedicated to God," he must not honor his father at all.’ And so you have made the word of God invalid because of your tradition."-Matthew 15:1-6.
21 By declaring that their money or property was "a gift dedicated to God" they were, according to tradition, freed of responsibility to care for their parents. But Jesus did not agree. And we today need to take this to heart. It is true that, as a result of "social welfare" in many lands, some needs of elderly parents may be cared for. But is the provision really sufficient? If not, or if there is no such provision at all, children who honor their parents will do what they can to fill any actual lack. Indeed, caring for one’s aged parents who are in need is, as the apostle Paul said, an evidence of "godly devotion," of one’s devotion to Jehovah God himself, the Originator of the family arrangement.
22 We should never think, however, that if parents in their later years have suitable food, clothing and shelter, nothing more is required. They also have emotional and spiritual needs. They need love and reassuring attention, many times desperately so. All our lives we need to know that someone feels love for us, that we belong to someone, that we are not alone. Children should not turn away from their elderly parents, as to either their physical or emotional needs. "He that is maltreating a father and that chases a mother away is a son acting shamefully and disgracefully."-Proverbs 19:26.
23 From youth on into adult life, children have an important place in the lives of their parents. Many children are a source of grief and disappointment. But if you respect your parents’ position and listen to their counsel, if you express genuine love and affection for them, you can be a daily source of joy to their hearts. Yes, "give your father and your mother cause for delight, let her who bore you rejoice."-Proverbs 23:25, New English Bible.
[Study Questions]
1. Why is it right to honor one’s parents?
2. Why should we feel indebted to our parents?
3. According to Proverbs 23:24, 25, what qualities in a child can contribute toward his parents’ joy?
4. What does Colossians 3:20 direct children to do?
5. What might a young person ask himself as to what he would expect from children of his own?
6. What illustration shows that wisdom usually comes with age?
7. What lesson about wisdom can we learn from the counsel given to King Rehoboam?
8. What attitude toward older persons, including parents, does the Bible encourage?
9. How is a family affected when one of its members complains needlessly or rebels?
10. Why is it beneficial for children to learn to do good work?
11. How can a child’s words or actions reflect favorably on his parents?
12. Why is it good for children to cooperate with the efforts of their parents to train them?
13. What might help a child to have the right view of restrictions that are imposed by his parents?
14, 15. When problems arise among family members, the application of what Bible principles might help a child to preserve peace?
16. What course of conduct on the part of their children makes God-fearing parents rejoice?
17-19. How might adult sons and daughters show that they appreciate their parents?
20, 21. (a) According to Matthew 15:1-6, what does honoring one’s parents include? (b) Is there something that would excuse a person from honoring his parents in this way?
22. What besides material things should we give to our parents?
23. How can a child be a source of joy to his parents?
WHETHER we are still very young, are moving into adulthood, or are now grown men and women, all of us are someone’s children. It would be hard to estimate the worth of all the 20 years or so of care, work, money and self-sacrificing effort that have been expended on most of us from infancy to adulthood. And, in reality, our parents gave each of us something we cannot possibly give to them in return. For, whatever else we may owe them, we owe them our present life. Without them, we would not be. This obvious truth of itself should be more than enough reason for heeding the divine command: "‘Honor your father and your mother’; which is the first command with a promise: ‘That it may go well with you and you may endure a long time on the earth.’"-Ephesians 6:2, 3.
2 While we are first indebted to our Creator as the true Source of all life, we should feel a deep sense of indebtedness to our parents. What can we give to them in exchange for what they gave us? God’s Son said that all the world’s possessions cannot buy life, for you simply cannot put a price tag on life. (Mark 8:36, 37; Psalm 49:6-8) God’s Word tells us: "Do not you people be owing anybody a single thing, except to love one another." (Romans 13:8) In a special way, we should feel moved to keep giving love to our parents as something owed them as long as they and we live. While we cannot give them life as they gave it to us, we can contribute to them something that makes life worth living. We can contribute to their joy and their feeling of deep satisfaction. We can do that in a special way that possibly no other persons can, for we are their children.
3 As Proverbs 23:24, 25 says: "The father of a righteous one will without fail be joyful; the one becoming father to a wise one will also rejoice in him. Your father and your mother will rejoice, and she that gave birth to you will be joyful." It is a natural desire of parents to be able to take pride in what their children do, to find pleasure in them. Is that the case with our parents?
4 In large measure that depends on whether we genuinely respect their position and listen to their counsel. For those who are still young, God’s counsel is: "Children, be obedient to your parents in everything, for this is well-pleasing in the Lord." (Colossians 3:20) "Everything" clearly does not mean that parents have authority to require things out of line with God’s Word, but it does show that, while we are young, they are responsible to guide us in all aspects of life.-Proverbs 1:8.
5 Are you now young? Someday you may be a parent. Would you want children who treated you with respect, or children who were defiant, perhaps who pretended to listen, but who disobeyed when out of your sight? Rather than bringing joy, Proverbs 17:25 says: "A foolish son is a vexation to his father and a bitterness to her who gave him birth." (The Bible in Living English) Just as you have a special ability to make your parents happy, you also, more than any other persons, can bring them deep sadness and disappointment. Your conduct will determine which way it will be.
ACQUIRING WISDOM TAKES TIME
6 It is good for youths to appreciate that age is an important factor in acquiring wisdom. Are you 10 years old now? You can see that you know more than when you were five, can’t you? Are you 15? You know more than when you were 10, don’t you? Are you approaching 20? You must appreciate that you know still more than when you were 15. It is easy to look back and see that age makes you wiser, but it is difficult to look ahead and accept this truth. No matter how wise a young person may feel, he or she should realize that the future can and should bring greater wisdom.
7 What is the point of this? That your parents, because they are older than you and have more experience than you do, reasonably are also wiser than you in coping with the problems of life. This is difficult for many young persons to accept. They may refer to older persons as "old fogies." Some may be, but many are not, no more than all young persons are irresponsible just because some are. It is not unusual for the young to think themselves wiser than the old. A king of Israel made this blunder, with disastrous results. When 41-year-old Rehoboam succeeded his father Solomon as king, the people asked that their burdens be made lighter. Rehoboam consulted older men, who counseled gentleness and kindness. He then went to young men and they advised harsh measures. He took their advice. The result? Ten of the 12 tribes rebelled and Rehoboam was left with only about one sixth of his kingdom. The aged, not the young, gave the wise counsel. "Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?"-Job 12:12; 1 Kings 12:1-16; 14:21.
8 Do not consider the advice of your parents outdated just because they are no longer youths. Rather, as God’s Word says: "Listen to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old." Age deserves respect. "Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man, and you must be in fear of your God. I am Jehovah." True, many young people ignore these commands. But doing so has not brought happiness-not to themselves and certainly not to their parents.-Proverbs 23:22; Leviticus 19:32.
DO YOUR PART
9 There is no getting around it-what you do affects other people. If one member of the family suffers, all are disturbed. Also, if one is a complainer or a rebel, the peace of the entire family is disrupted. In order to have a happy family life, each one must do his part.-Compare 1 Corinthians 12:26.
10 There are positive, constructive things that you can do. Parents work hard to care for the needs of the family. If you are young and living at home, you can help. Much of life is spent at work. Some people complain about it. But if you learn to do good work and to do it with a good motive, it will bring genuine satisfaction. On the other hand, a person who doesn’t do his share but expects others to do everything for him never knows that satisfaction, and he is a source of irritation to others, as the Bible says, just like ‘smoke in one’s eyes.’ (Proverbs 10:26; Ecclesiastes 3:12, 13) So, when chores are assigned to you at home, do them and do them well. And if you really want to bring pleasure to your parents, do some extras, without being asked. You will probably find that work the most enjoyable of all-because you did it simply out of your heart’s desire to bring happiness to them.
11 When people are impressed by a young person, they almost always want to know whose child he or she is. When young David demonstrated remarkable courage and faith, King Saul right away asked: "Whose son is the boy?" (1 Samuel 17:55-58) You bear your family’s name. What you do and the kind of person you are will affect the way people view that name and the parents who gave it to you. There are so many ways you can bring honor to your parents-in your neighborhood and at school-by showing kindness, helpfulness, respect and friendliness to others. And at the same time you thereby honor your Creator.-Proverbs 20:11; Hebrews 13:16.
12 Your parents’ happiness is bound up with your own. Their efforts at training you are aimed to give you a good start on the road of life. Cooperate with them and you will give them great pleasure, for they want the best for you. As the inspired writer expressed it: "My son, if your heart has become wise, my heart will rejoice." (Proverbs 23:15) If your parents recognize their responsibility before God to guide you in ways of true wisdom, help them to discharge that responsibility faithfully. "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, in order that you may become wise in your future."-Proverbs 19:20.
13 There may be times when you feel that your parents require too much of you or that the restrictions are too many. To achieve the right balance in matters of discipline is not easy. Someday, if you have a family, you may find that you face the same problem. If your parents restrict your association with certain youths, or guard you against the use of drugs, or limit your association to some extent with those of the opposite sex, stop and think how much better it is to have parents who discipline than to have ones who don’t care! (Proverbs 13:20; 3:31) Heed their discipline. You’ll benefit yourself and make their hearts rejoice.-Proverbs 6:23; 13:1; 15:5; Hebrews 12:7-11.
14 Of course, many situations that arise at home are not of your own making. But how you react influences the atmosphere of the household. The Bible counsels: "If possible, as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable with all men." (Romans 12:18) It is not always easy to do this. We are all different; we see things differently and react differently. There will be conflicting opinions and desires. Suppose the conflict is with your brother or sister. You may feel that the other person is being selfish. What will you do?
15 Some children would promptly shout an accusation and demand that one of their parents intervene. Or, they might take things into their own hands, shoving and hitting, in order to get their way. But an inspired proverb says: "The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger." (Proverbs 19:11) In what way? In that it causes him to consider extenuating circumstances. (Perhaps the act was not deliberate.) It makes him remember the many times when he himself has been in the wrong. (And how grateful he is for God’s forgiveness!) It may also make him realize that, even if his brother or sister is in the wrong, it would still be wrong on his part to let his anger disrupt the peace of the entire household. Of a person with such insight, the proverb goes on to say: "It is beauty on his part to pass over transgression."-See also Colossians 3:13, 14.
16 Basically, what makes God-fearing parents rejoice is the same as what makes the heart of Jehovah rejoice. What makes them feel hurt is what makes him feel hurt. (Psalm 78:36-41) Parents who do not know the mind of Jehovah God may rejoice if their children become popular in the world, make a name for themselves, make lots of money, and so on. However, parents having Jehovah as their God know that this world and its desires are passing away but that "he that does the will of God remains forever." (1 John 2:15-17) So, what really makes them happy is to see their children obey their Creator, do his will and reflect his qualities. It is true that godly parents are happy when their children do well in their studies at school. But they are happier when their conduct at school and elsewhere reflects loyalty to God’s standards and a desire to please him. And they are especially pleased when those children continue to find pleasure in Jehovah’s ways right on up through their adult life.
RESPONSIBILITY TO CARE FOR PARENTS
17 Our concern for our parents should not cool off if we leave home when we have grown up. We want them to be happy throughout their lives. For many years they cared for our needs, often at considerable sacrifice to themselves. What can we do now to show that we are appreciative?
18 We can keep in mind the godly requirement: "Honor your father and your mother." (Matthew 19:19) We may be busy. But we need to realize that it means a great deal to our parents to hear from us and to have us visit them.
19 As the years pass, "honor" may be shown in other ways. If there is need for material help, show appreciation for all that they did for you, and also for Jehovah’s righteous requirements. The apostle Paul wrote concerning those who are elderly: "If any widow has children or grandchildren, let these learn first to practice godly devotion in their own household and to keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents, for this is acceptable in God’s sight."-1 Timothy 5:3, 4.
20 The fact that "honor" to one’s parents may include material support is clearly shown in the Scriptures. On one occasion the Pharisees had accosted Jesus and accused his disciples of violating traditions. Jesus countered: "Why is it you also overstep the commandment of God because of your tradition? For example, God said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Let him that reviles father or mother end up in death.’ But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother: "Whatever I have by which you might get benefit from me is a gift dedicated to God," he must not honor his father at all.’ And so you have made the word of God invalid because of your tradition."-Matthew 15:1-6.
21 By declaring that their money or property was "a gift dedicated to God" they were, according to tradition, freed of responsibility to care for their parents. But Jesus did not agree. And we today need to take this to heart. It is true that, as a result of "social welfare" in many lands, some needs of elderly parents may be cared for. But is the provision really sufficient? If not, or if there is no such provision at all, children who honor their parents will do what they can to fill any actual lack. Indeed, caring for one’s aged parents who are in need is, as the apostle Paul said, an evidence of "godly devotion," of one’s devotion to Jehovah God himself, the Originator of the family arrangement.
22 We should never think, however, that if parents in their later years have suitable food, clothing and shelter, nothing more is required. They also have emotional and spiritual needs. They need love and reassuring attention, many times desperately so. All our lives we need to know that someone feels love for us, that we belong to someone, that we are not alone. Children should not turn away from their elderly parents, as to either their physical or emotional needs. "He that is maltreating a father and that chases a mother away is a son acting shamefully and disgracefully."-Proverbs 19:26.
23 From youth on into adult life, children have an important place in the lives of their parents. Many children are a source of grief and disappointment. But if you respect your parents’ position and listen to their counsel, if you express genuine love and affection for them, you can be a daily source of joy to their hearts. Yes, "give your father and your mother cause for delight, let her who bore you rejoice."-Proverbs 23:25, New English Bible.
[Study Questions]
1. Why is it right to honor one’s parents?
2. Why should we feel indebted to our parents?
3. According to Proverbs 23:24, 25, what qualities in a child can contribute toward his parents’ joy?
4. What does Colossians 3:20 direct children to do?
5. What might a young person ask himself as to what he would expect from children of his own?
6. What illustration shows that wisdom usually comes with age?
7. What lesson about wisdom can we learn from the counsel given to King Rehoboam?
8. What attitude toward older persons, including parents, does the Bible encourage?
9. How is a family affected when one of its members complains needlessly or rebels?
10. Why is it beneficial for children to learn to do good work?
11. How can a child’s words or actions reflect favorably on his parents?
12. Why is it good for children to cooperate with the efforts of their parents to train them?
13. What might help a child to have the right view of restrictions that are imposed by his parents?
14, 15. When problems arise among family members, the application of what Bible principles might help a child to preserve peace?
16. What course of conduct on the part of their children makes God-fearing parents rejoice?
17-19. How might adult sons and daughters show that they appreciate their parents?
20, 21. (a) According to Matthew 15:1-6, what does honoring one’s parents include? (b) Is there something that would excuse a person from honoring his parents in this way?
22. What besides material things should we give to our parents?
23. How can a child be a source of joy to his parents?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
After Your Wedding Day
After the Wedding Day
YOUR wedding is past, and you and your mate are settling down as a new family unit. Is your happiness complete? You are no longer alone but have a companion to confide in, to share your joys and also your problems. Do you find Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 true in your case?-"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?" Is your marriage flourishing with this kind of cooperation? It usually takes some time and effort for this happy blending of two lives. But in many marriages, sad to say, it never happens.
2 In romantic tales, the problem often is getting the two who are in love together. But then they live happily ever after. In real life, it is living happily afterward, day by day, that presents the true challenge. After the delights of the wedding day comes the daily routine of life: getting up early, going to work, shopping, cooking meals, washing dishes, cleaning the house, and so on.
3 The marriage relationship requires adjustments. You both entered into it with at least some expectations and ideals that were not very practical and realistic. When these are not met, some disappointment may come after the first few weeks. But, remember, you have made a big change in your life. You are no longer living alone or with a family that you have been with all your life. You are now with a new person, one you may be discovering that you don’t know as well as you thought you did. Your schedule is new, your work may be new, your budget is different, and there are new friends and in-laws to get used to. The success of your marriage and your happiness depend upon your willingness to adjust.
ARE YOU FLEXIBLE?
4 Some, because of pride, find it difficult to be flexible. But, as the Bible says, "pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall." To persist in stubbornness can be calamitous. (Proverbs 16:18, New English Bible) Jesus recommended that one be willing to bend and yield when he said that if anyone wanted your "inner garment, let your outer garment also go to him," and if someone wanted you to go "for a mile, go with him two miles." Rather than your arguing with someone close to you, the apostle Paul asked: "Why do you not rather let yourselves be wronged?" (Matthew 5:40, 41; 1 Corinthians 6:7) If Christians can go to such extremes to keep peace with others, surely two married persons in love should be able to adjust in order to make a success of their new relationship.
5 There are opportunities everywhere for one to be either happy or unhappy. To which will you be alert? Will you focus on the positive or dwell on the negative? The new wife may think: ‘Now that we are married, where is that romantic man who used to take me out to interesting places and spend time with me? He’s settled into a rut. He takes me for granted. He’s certainly not the man I knew before!’ Or does she understand and appreciate that he now works hard to be a good provider for his family? And does this new husband notice that his wife works hard to cook and clean, at times is very tired and does not have as much time to spend trying to look glamorous? Or does he say to himself: ‘What’s happened to that attractive young lady that I married? She’s changed, now that she has her man’?
6 Both should be mature and realize that neither one has the time or the energy to do all the things that were done before marriage. Now is the time to show flexibility and accept the deeply satisfying responsibility of making marriage work. One person can ruin a marriage, but it takes two to make it work. Making marriage work is an achievement. Achievement implies accomplishing something despite difficulties. When the two of you join in this endeavor, a part of each of you blends into this achievement. This joint effort with a mutual goal ties you together; it binds you close; it makes the two of you one. In time this creates a bond of love surpassing anything felt in anticipation of marriage, and in such unifying happiness it becomes a pleasure to adjust to each other’s differences.
7 Pride fades as love grows, and there is happiness not only in giving but also in giving in, yielding, when personal preference, and not principle, is involved. It may be the buying of some item for the house, or how to spend a vacation. When concern for the other’s happiness is shown, the couple begin to fit the apostle Paul’s words: "Keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others."-Philippians 2:4.
A BALANCED VIEW OF SEX
8 The Bible is not prudish about sexual intercourse. By poetic figures of speech it shows the ecstasy this should bring to husband and wife; it also emphasizes that sex should be restricted to husband and wife. This passage is found at Proverbs 5:15-21:
"Drink water out of your own cistern, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Should your springs be scattered out of doors, your streams of water in the public squares themselves? Let them prove to be for you alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovable hind and a charming mountain goat. Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with a strange woman or embrace the bosom of a foreign woman? For the ways of man are in front of the eyes of Jehovah, and he is contemplating all his tracks."
9 However, it would be a mistake to overemphasize sex to the point of making it seem that the success of the marriage hinges on the couple’s sex life, or that it could compensate for serious shortcomings in other areas of the relationship. The flood of sexual material from books, movies and commercials-much of it designed to stir erotic desire-makes sex seem that vital. However, God’s Word disagrees, recommending self-control in all areas of life. Even in marriage, throwing off all restraint can lead to practices that cheapen the marital relationship.-Galatians 5:22, 23; Hebrews 13:4.
10 Adjusting sexually is frequently difficult and may take some time after the wedding. This is usually due to a lack of knowledge and a failure to discern the needs of one’s partner. Talking to a respected married friend beforehand may help. Not only are a man and a woman made differently, they also feel differently. Consideration for the woman’s need for tenderness is important. But there should be no negative feeling of false modesty or prudery or feeling that sex is somehow shameful. Neither should it become an occasion of conquest, as it does with some men. "Let the husband render to his wife her due," the Bible says, and "let the wife also do likewise to her husband." And in so doing, this Bible principle is appropriate: "Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person." If there is such love and desire to please on both sides, a good adjustment will be made.-1 Corinthians 7:3; 10:24.
DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE
11 No two individuals on earth are exactly the same. Each one is distinctly different. This also means that no two people will agree on everything. Most of the disagreements may be trivial, but some of them may be serious. There are homes in which disagreements quickly give rise to shouting, pushing, hitting and things being thrown; one mate or the other may leave for a period of days or weeks, or they may simply quit talking to each other. It is quite possible to disagree without having such a situation develop. How? By facing up to a certain basic truth.
12 All of us are imperfect, all have flaws, and, despite the best of intentions, weaknesses manifest themselves. The apostle Paul found this to be true in his case: "The good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice." (Romans 7:19) We have inherited sin from our first parents. Perfection is beyond our powers. So "who can say: ‘I have cleansed my heart; I have become pure from my sin’?"-Proverbs 20:9; Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12.
13 We accept our own weaknesses and make excuses for them. Can we not accept and excuse those of our marriage partner? We doubtless will readily acknowledge that we are sinners, but do we become defensive and reluctant to admit to a specific sin? And do we have the insight to understand that this reluctance to admit being in the wrong is typical of people, including our marriage partner, and do we make allowances? "The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression," says the inspired proverb. Doubtless you, like just about everyone else, subscribe to the principle of the "golden rule." Jesus stated it in his famous Sermon on the Mount: "All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them." Most people give it lip service; few practice it. Its sincere application would solve the problems of human relationships, including marital ones.-Proverbs 19:11; Matthew 7:12.
14 We each like to be thought of and treated as an individual. When a person compares us unfavorably with someone else, perhaps viewing our qualities or abilities as inferior, how do we react? Generally we feel hurt or resentful. In effect we say, ‘But I am not that person. I am ME.’ Such comparisons are generally not motivating, because we want to be treated in an understanding way.
15 To illustrate the point: Do you, the husband, express appreciation for the meals that your wife prepares or do you complain that she can’t cook like your mother? How do you know how well your mother could cook when she was newly married? Maybe your wife does better than she did. Give your wife a chance to grow into her new duties and become proficient in them. And do you, the wife, complain that your new husband doesn’t bring home the salary your father does? What did your father earn when he was newly married? Even that doesn’t matter. What matters is the help you give your husband. Do you get up and make breakfast for him before he goes to work, so that he feels you support and appreciate his efforts? Does either one bicker with the other one over the in-laws, or disagree over the friendships to be cultivated or recreation to be engaged in? These and other disagreements may arise. How will you work them out?
16 Some modern psychologists contend that quarrels are useful in resolving difficulties. Their theory is that frustrations build up, generate pressure and finally explode into a violent quarrel. In the heat of such angry exchanges, resentments long held in are blurted out, aired and disposed of-so the theory goes. Until this happens, the frustrations are held within to simmer and stew, and then boil over at a later time. But there is grave danger that such heated outbursts may cause you to say things you do not mean, and wounds may be inflicted that are beyond healing. You may wrong the other person so severely that a barrier is raised that you cannot thereafter breach. As Proverbs 18:19 warns: "A brother who is transgressed against is more than a strong town; and there are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower." The sound counsel found in the Bible is: "Quit before the quarrel breaks out."-Proverbs 17:14, Revised Standard Version.
COMMUNICATE!
17 Far better than letting disagreements build up inside you until they reach explosive proportions, discuss them as they arise. Brooding over a wrong almost always causes it to seem worse than it really is. Discuss it now or forget it. Is it only a passing remark? Let it pass. Does it need discussing? Has your mate done something that distresses you? Don’t bluntly condemn; try raising the point in question form, or making a suggestion that will open it up for discussion. For example, you might say: ‘Honey, there is something I don’t understand. Could you help me?’ Then listen. Try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Heed the warning of Proverbs 18:13: "When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation." None of us like it when someone jumps to wrong conclusions about us. So, rather than react quickly, endeavor to discern the intent or motive behind the act. Do as Proverbs 20:5 advises: "Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up."
18 Are you given to moods? A moody person is difficult to live with. Some contend that moods are beyond our control, being governed by chemicals in the brain. Whether that is so or not, feelings are contagious. We may be either cheered up or depressed by those around us. Music can create various kinds of moods in us. Stories also can do this. The thoughts we harbor in our minds affect the way we feel. If you brood on negative things you will be depressed; by an act of will you can force the mind to think positive, optimistic thoughts. Think on them. (Philippians 4:8) If you find this difficult, try some vigorous physical activity-do some hard work, even if it’s hoeing weeds or scrubbing a floor; get out and jog or walk in the woods, or, better yet, find something helpful to do for someone else-anything to direct your attention and energies elsewhere. It is far better to nourish a good mood than to nurse a bad one. And it’s much more fun, for you and most certainly for your mate!
19 However, there are times when events grieve you deeply, or severe illness and pain afflict you. Or, in the case of your wife, monthly cycles and pregnancy greatly vary the secretion of powerful hormones that affect the nervous system and the emotions. A woman may be experiencing premenstrual tension without being consciously aware of it. It is a major factor that the husband should keep in mind so that, instead of becoming exasperated, he can show insight. In such special circumstances both husband and wife should recognize what is responsible for any change of temperament and respond in an upbuilding way. "The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight, and to his lips it adds persuasiveness." And, "a true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress."-Proverbs 16:23; 17:17.
20 Is your marriage partner jealous? It is proper for a person to be jealous of his reputation, and of his marriage also. As adrenaline will start a heart beating again, so jealousy arouses the soul to the defense of something cherished. The opposite of jealousy is indifference, and we should not be indifferent to our marriage.
21 But there is another kind of jealousy, one induced by insecurity and fed by the imagination. Such unreasoning, overly possessive jealousy turns the marriage into an unpleasant prison where trust and true love cannot survive. "Love is not jealous" in such a manner, and obsessive jealousy "is rottenness to the bones."-1 Corinthians 13:4; Proverbs 14:30.
22 If your mate has just cause for feeling insecure due to jealousy, remove that cause immediately. If there is no real cause, do all in your power to build up the confidence of the jealous one, by words and even more importantly by your actions. Reach for the heart!
23 Can outsiders be of help in resolving disagreements between married persons? Possibly, but they should not be called in unless both marriage partners agree to it. First, "plead your own cause with your fellowman, and do not reveal the confidential talk of another." (Proverbs 25:9) There is a special risk in asking in-laws to arbitrate. They are not likely to be impartial. Wisely, the Bible says: "A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife." (Genesis 2:24) The same applies to the wife in relation to her parents and her husband. Instead of asking parents or in-laws to arbitrate, taking sides with one mate against the other, the husband and wife should stick together, recognizing their problems as ones that they share and that need to be worked out together. To appeal to outsiders without the other partner’s consent demeans both in the eyes of others. If you will communicate openly, honestly and lovingly, there is no reason why you should not be able to solve your problems yourselves. Other mature persons may be consulted for advice, but the solution ultimately rests with you and your mate.
24 "Do not be conceited or think too highly of yourself," the apostle Paul advises. (Romans 12:3, New English Bible) He then adds: "In showing honor to one another take the lead." (Romans 12:10) Sometimes when our pride is injured it helps to reflect that we are not really so big. Certainly we are not big in comparison to the earth, and the earth is itself small in the solar system, which, in turn, is tiny in the universe. In Jehovah’s eyes "all the nations are as something nonexistent . . . as nothing and an unreality they have been accounted to him." (Isaiah 40:17) Such thoughts help to keep things in perspective, to see that disagreements may not involve such vital things after all.
25 At times a sense of humor may also help us to keep from taking ourselves too seriously. To be able to laugh at yourself is a mark of maturity and smooths out many rough spots in life.
"CAST YOUR BREAD UPON THE WATERS"
26 What if your mate does not respond to your efforts to solve differences peacefully? Follow the Bible’s advice: "Return evil for evil to no one." Jesus is our model to copy: "When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return." The common practice among persons is to return like for like. But if you take this course you let others shape you, make you what you are. Actually, they make you what they are. To let this happen is to deny yourself, what you stand for, the principles you hold dear. Instead, copy Jesus, who holds true to what he is, unchanged by the weaknesses of those around him: "If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself."-Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 2 Timothy 2:13.
27 If you are strong enough to stop a cycle of evil with good, you may start a cycle of good. "An answer, when mild, turns away rage." (Proverbs 15:1) A mild answer does not come from weakness but springs from strength, and your mate will sense this. Since so many return like for like, your breakthrough with goodness may switch the cycle from evil to good. Certain scriptures indicate this. "The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered." "With the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return." "Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days." (Proverbs 11:25; Luke 6:38; Ecclesiastes 11:1, Revised Standard Version) It may take time for your goodness to bring in a harvest of good from your mate. You don’t sow seed one day and reap on the next. Nevertheless, "whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; . . . So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out."-Galatians 6:7-9.
28 Here are some scriptures and questions for married couples to consider:
Proverbs 14:29: "He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness." If you give yourself time to think, do you not often discover that there’s no good cause to be angry?
Proverbs 17:27: "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit." Do you keep your spirit cool, and hold back words that would make your mate’s spirit hot?
Proverbs 25:11: "As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it." The word that is right at one time may be wrong for another time. Are you perceptive as to what is the right word at the right time?
Proverbs 12:18: "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing." Before you speak, do you stop and think what effect your words will have on your mate?
Proverbs 10:19: "In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly." Sometimes when upset we say more than we mean, and we are sorry afterwards. Do you guard against this?
Proverbs 20:3: "It is a glory for a man to desist from disputing, but everyone foolish will burst out in it." It takes two to argue. Are you mature enough to be the one to stop?
Proverbs 10:12: "Hatred is what stirs up contentions, but love covers over even all transgressions." Do you continually rehash old disputes, or do you love your mate enough to put them behind you?
Proverbs 14:9, "New English Bible": "A fool is too arrogant to make amends; upright men know what reconciliation means." Are you too proud to make concessions and seek peace in your marriage?
Proverbs 26:20: "Where there is no wood the fire goes out." Can you stop arguing, or must you have the last word?
Ephesians 4:26: "Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state." Do you dwell on differences and thereby prolong the misery for both yourself and your mate?
29 Wise counsel benefits only when it is put into practice. Try it out. Similarly, be willing to try the suggestion your mate makes. See if it works. Who is to blame if something goes wrong? That’s not important. What is important is how things can be made right. Be flexible, air differences, talk them out, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Communicate! If you ‘love your mate as you do yourself,’ it should not be too difficult to adjust to the marriage relationship and to make it a happy one.-Matthew 19:19.
[Study Questions]
1. How could the kind of cooperation that is described at Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 benefit one’s marriage?
2, 3. (a) What realities of life must be faced after the wedding day? (b) Why is it only reasonable to expect that adjustments will have to be made after a person gets married?
4. What Scriptural principles could help a married person to make adjustments? (1 Corinthians 10:24; Philippians 4:5)
5. How might one think positively or negatively about one’s marriage mate?
6. When husband and wife really work to make their marriage succeed, how does this affect their relationship with each other?
7. If decisions must be made, when is it good to be yielding?
8, 9. What is the Scriptural view of marital intimacies?
10. What are some things to consider that could help a married couple to adjust sexually?
11-13. When there are disagreements, what should we keep in mind so that the differences do not develop into serious rifts?
14, 15. (a) What can result when one unfavorably compares one’s marriage mate with another person? (b) Regarding what matters are such comparisons at times unwisely made?
16. What is wrong with the theory that violent quarrels help to resolve difficulties?
17. What might be done to prevent disagreements from building up inside oneself and reaching explosive proportions?
18. What might help us to dispel negative moods?
19. How might one deal understandingly with the moods of one’s marriage mate?
20-22. (a) Why is undue jealousy to be avoided? (b) What might be done to give one’s marriage mate a feeling of security?
23. What might beneficially be considered when a person is inclined to seek the help of outsiders in resolving marital problems?
24, 25. What might a person do if pride interferes with the resolving of a marriage problem?
26, 27. What Bible principles should be applied when one’s marriage mate does not respond to efforts to settle differences peacefully, and why?
28. What are some of the fine principles found in the Bible book of Proverbs that can help to promote a happy married life, and how?
29. What are some basics to keep in mind when seeking to maintain a happy marriage?
YOUR wedding is past, and you and your mate are settling down as a new family unit. Is your happiness complete? You are no longer alone but have a companion to confide in, to share your joys and also your problems. Do you find Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 true in your case?-"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?" Is your marriage flourishing with this kind of cooperation? It usually takes some time and effort for this happy blending of two lives. But in many marriages, sad to say, it never happens.
2 In romantic tales, the problem often is getting the two who are in love together. But then they live happily ever after. In real life, it is living happily afterward, day by day, that presents the true challenge. After the delights of the wedding day comes the daily routine of life: getting up early, going to work, shopping, cooking meals, washing dishes, cleaning the house, and so on.
3 The marriage relationship requires adjustments. You both entered into it with at least some expectations and ideals that were not very practical and realistic. When these are not met, some disappointment may come after the first few weeks. But, remember, you have made a big change in your life. You are no longer living alone or with a family that you have been with all your life. You are now with a new person, one you may be discovering that you don’t know as well as you thought you did. Your schedule is new, your work may be new, your budget is different, and there are new friends and in-laws to get used to. The success of your marriage and your happiness depend upon your willingness to adjust.
ARE YOU FLEXIBLE?
4 Some, because of pride, find it difficult to be flexible. But, as the Bible says, "pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall." To persist in stubbornness can be calamitous. (Proverbs 16:18, New English Bible) Jesus recommended that one be willing to bend and yield when he said that if anyone wanted your "inner garment, let your outer garment also go to him," and if someone wanted you to go "for a mile, go with him two miles." Rather than your arguing with someone close to you, the apostle Paul asked: "Why do you not rather let yourselves be wronged?" (Matthew 5:40, 41; 1 Corinthians 6:7) If Christians can go to such extremes to keep peace with others, surely two married persons in love should be able to adjust in order to make a success of their new relationship.
5 There are opportunities everywhere for one to be either happy or unhappy. To which will you be alert? Will you focus on the positive or dwell on the negative? The new wife may think: ‘Now that we are married, where is that romantic man who used to take me out to interesting places and spend time with me? He’s settled into a rut. He takes me for granted. He’s certainly not the man I knew before!’ Or does she understand and appreciate that he now works hard to be a good provider for his family? And does this new husband notice that his wife works hard to cook and clean, at times is very tired and does not have as much time to spend trying to look glamorous? Or does he say to himself: ‘What’s happened to that attractive young lady that I married? She’s changed, now that she has her man’?
6 Both should be mature and realize that neither one has the time or the energy to do all the things that were done before marriage. Now is the time to show flexibility and accept the deeply satisfying responsibility of making marriage work. One person can ruin a marriage, but it takes two to make it work. Making marriage work is an achievement. Achievement implies accomplishing something despite difficulties. When the two of you join in this endeavor, a part of each of you blends into this achievement. This joint effort with a mutual goal ties you together; it binds you close; it makes the two of you one. In time this creates a bond of love surpassing anything felt in anticipation of marriage, and in such unifying happiness it becomes a pleasure to adjust to each other’s differences.
7 Pride fades as love grows, and there is happiness not only in giving but also in giving in, yielding, when personal preference, and not principle, is involved. It may be the buying of some item for the house, or how to spend a vacation. When concern for the other’s happiness is shown, the couple begin to fit the apostle Paul’s words: "Keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others."-Philippians 2:4.
A BALANCED VIEW OF SEX
8 The Bible is not prudish about sexual intercourse. By poetic figures of speech it shows the ecstasy this should bring to husband and wife; it also emphasizes that sex should be restricted to husband and wife. This passage is found at Proverbs 5:15-21:
"Drink water out of your own cistern, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Should your springs be scattered out of doors, your streams of water in the public squares themselves? Let them prove to be for you alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovable hind and a charming mountain goat. Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with a strange woman or embrace the bosom of a foreign woman? For the ways of man are in front of the eyes of Jehovah, and he is contemplating all his tracks."
9 However, it would be a mistake to overemphasize sex to the point of making it seem that the success of the marriage hinges on the couple’s sex life, or that it could compensate for serious shortcomings in other areas of the relationship. The flood of sexual material from books, movies and commercials-much of it designed to stir erotic desire-makes sex seem that vital. However, God’s Word disagrees, recommending self-control in all areas of life. Even in marriage, throwing off all restraint can lead to practices that cheapen the marital relationship.-Galatians 5:22, 23; Hebrews 13:4.
10 Adjusting sexually is frequently difficult and may take some time after the wedding. This is usually due to a lack of knowledge and a failure to discern the needs of one’s partner. Talking to a respected married friend beforehand may help. Not only are a man and a woman made differently, they also feel differently. Consideration for the woman’s need for tenderness is important. But there should be no negative feeling of false modesty or prudery or feeling that sex is somehow shameful. Neither should it become an occasion of conquest, as it does with some men. "Let the husband render to his wife her due," the Bible says, and "let the wife also do likewise to her husband." And in so doing, this Bible principle is appropriate: "Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person." If there is such love and desire to please on both sides, a good adjustment will be made.-1 Corinthians 7:3; 10:24.
DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE
11 No two individuals on earth are exactly the same. Each one is distinctly different. This also means that no two people will agree on everything. Most of the disagreements may be trivial, but some of them may be serious. There are homes in which disagreements quickly give rise to shouting, pushing, hitting and things being thrown; one mate or the other may leave for a period of days or weeks, or they may simply quit talking to each other. It is quite possible to disagree without having such a situation develop. How? By facing up to a certain basic truth.
12 All of us are imperfect, all have flaws, and, despite the best of intentions, weaknesses manifest themselves. The apostle Paul found this to be true in his case: "The good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice." (Romans 7:19) We have inherited sin from our first parents. Perfection is beyond our powers. So "who can say: ‘I have cleansed my heart; I have become pure from my sin’?"-Proverbs 20:9; Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12.
13 We accept our own weaknesses and make excuses for them. Can we not accept and excuse those of our marriage partner? We doubtless will readily acknowledge that we are sinners, but do we become defensive and reluctant to admit to a specific sin? And do we have the insight to understand that this reluctance to admit being in the wrong is typical of people, including our marriage partner, and do we make allowances? "The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression," says the inspired proverb. Doubtless you, like just about everyone else, subscribe to the principle of the "golden rule." Jesus stated it in his famous Sermon on the Mount: "All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them." Most people give it lip service; few practice it. Its sincere application would solve the problems of human relationships, including marital ones.-Proverbs 19:11; Matthew 7:12.
14 We each like to be thought of and treated as an individual. When a person compares us unfavorably with someone else, perhaps viewing our qualities or abilities as inferior, how do we react? Generally we feel hurt or resentful. In effect we say, ‘But I am not that person. I am ME.’ Such comparisons are generally not motivating, because we want to be treated in an understanding way.
15 To illustrate the point: Do you, the husband, express appreciation for the meals that your wife prepares or do you complain that she can’t cook like your mother? How do you know how well your mother could cook when she was newly married? Maybe your wife does better than she did. Give your wife a chance to grow into her new duties and become proficient in them. And do you, the wife, complain that your new husband doesn’t bring home the salary your father does? What did your father earn when he was newly married? Even that doesn’t matter. What matters is the help you give your husband. Do you get up and make breakfast for him before he goes to work, so that he feels you support and appreciate his efforts? Does either one bicker with the other one over the in-laws, or disagree over the friendships to be cultivated or recreation to be engaged in? These and other disagreements may arise. How will you work them out?
16 Some modern psychologists contend that quarrels are useful in resolving difficulties. Their theory is that frustrations build up, generate pressure and finally explode into a violent quarrel. In the heat of such angry exchanges, resentments long held in are blurted out, aired and disposed of-so the theory goes. Until this happens, the frustrations are held within to simmer and stew, and then boil over at a later time. But there is grave danger that such heated outbursts may cause you to say things you do not mean, and wounds may be inflicted that are beyond healing. You may wrong the other person so severely that a barrier is raised that you cannot thereafter breach. As Proverbs 18:19 warns: "A brother who is transgressed against is more than a strong town; and there are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower." The sound counsel found in the Bible is: "Quit before the quarrel breaks out."-Proverbs 17:14, Revised Standard Version.
COMMUNICATE!
17 Far better than letting disagreements build up inside you until they reach explosive proportions, discuss them as they arise. Brooding over a wrong almost always causes it to seem worse than it really is. Discuss it now or forget it. Is it only a passing remark? Let it pass. Does it need discussing? Has your mate done something that distresses you? Don’t bluntly condemn; try raising the point in question form, or making a suggestion that will open it up for discussion. For example, you might say: ‘Honey, there is something I don’t understand. Could you help me?’ Then listen. Try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Heed the warning of Proverbs 18:13: "When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation." None of us like it when someone jumps to wrong conclusions about us. So, rather than react quickly, endeavor to discern the intent or motive behind the act. Do as Proverbs 20:5 advises: "Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up."
18 Are you given to moods? A moody person is difficult to live with. Some contend that moods are beyond our control, being governed by chemicals in the brain. Whether that is so or not, feelings are contagious. We may be either cheered up or depressed by those around us. Music can create various kinds of moods in us. Stories also can do this. The thoughts we harbor in our minds affect the way we feel. If you brood on negative things you will be depressed; by an act of will you can force the mind to think positive, optimistic thoughts. Think on them. (Philippians 4:8) If you find this difficult, try some vigorous physical activity-do some hard work, even if it’s hoeing weeds or scrubbing a floor; get out and jog or walk in the woods, or, better yet, find something helpful to do for someone else-anything to direct your attention and energies elsewhere. It is far better to nourish a good mood than to nurse a bad one. And it’s much more fun, for you and most certainly for your mate!
19 However, there are times when events grieve you deeply, or severe illness and pain afflict you. Or, in the case of your wife, monthly cycles and pregnancy greatly vary the secretion of powerful hormones that affect the nervous system and the emotions. A woman may be experiencing premenstrual tension without being consciously aware of it. It is a major factor that the husband should keep in mind so that, instead of becoming exasperated, he can show insight. In such special circumstances both husband and wife should recognize what is responsible for any change of temperament and respond in an upbuilding way. "The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight, and to his lips it adds persuasiveness." And, "a true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress."-Proverbs 16:23; 17:17.
20 Is your marriage partner jealous? It is proper for a person to be jealous of his reputation, and of his marriage also. As adrenaline will start a heart beating again, so jealousy arouses the soul to the defense of something cherished. The opposite of jealousy is indifference, and we should not be indifferent to our marriage.
21 But there is another kind of jealousy, one induced by insecurity and fed by the imagination. Such unreasoning, overly possessive jealousy turns the marriage into an unpleasant prison where trust and true love cannot survive. "Love is not jealous" in such a manner, and obsessive jealousy "is rottenness to the bones."-1 Corinthians 13:4; Proverbs 14:30.
22 If your mate has just cause for feeling insecure due to jealousy, remove that cause immediately. If there is no real cause, do all in your power to build up the confidence of the jealous one, by words and even more importantly by your actions. Reach for the heart!
23 Can outsiders be of help in resolving disagreements between married persons? Possibly, but they should not be called in unless both marriage partners agree to it. First, "plead your own cause with your fellowman, and do not reveal the confidential talk of another." (Proverbs 25:9) There is a special risk in asking in-laws to arbitrate. They are not likely to be impartial. Wisely, the Bible says: "A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife." (Genesis 2:24) The same applies to the wife in relation to her parents and her husband. Instead of asking parents or in-laws to arbitrate, taking sides with one mate against the other, the husband and wife should stick together, recognizing their problems as ones that they share and that need to be worked out together. To appeal to outsiders without the other partner’s consent demeans both in the eyes of others. If you will communicate openly, honestly and lovingly, there is no reason why you should not be able to solve your problems yourselves. Other mature persons may be consulted for advice, but the solution ultimately rests with you and your mate.
24 "Do not be conceited or think too highly of yourself," the apostle Paul advises. (Romans 12:3, New English Bible) He then adds: "In showing honor to one another take the lead." (Romans 12:10) Sometimes when our pride is injured it helps to reflect that we are not really so big. Certainly we are not big in comparison to the earth, and the earth is itself small in the solar system, which, in turn, is tiny in the universe. In Jehovah’s eyes "all the nations are as something nonexistent . . . as nothing and an unreality they have been accounted to him." (Isaiah 40:17) Such thoughts help to keep things in perspective, to see that disagreements may not involve such vital things after all.
25 At times a sense of humor may also help us to keep from taking ourselves too seriously. To be able to laugh at yourself is a mark of maturity and smooths out many rough spots in life.
"CAST YOUR BREAD UPON THE WATERS"
26 What if your mate does not respond to your efforts to solve differences peacefully? Follow the Bible’s advice: "Return evil for evil to no one." Jesus is our model to copy: "When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return." The common practice among persons is to return like for like. But if you take this course you let others shape you, make you what you are. Actually, they make you what they are. To let this happen is to deny yourself, what you stand for, the principles you hold dear. Instead, copy Jesus, who holds true to what he is, unchanged by the weaknesses of those around him: "If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself."-Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 2 Timothy 2:13.
27 If you are strong enough to stop a cycle of evil with good, you may start a cycle of good. "An answer, when mild, turns away rage." (Proverbs 15:1) A mild answer does not come from weakness but springs from strength, and your mate will sense this. Since so many return like for like, your breakthrough with goodness may switch the cycle from evil to good. Certain scriptures indicate this. "The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered." "With the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return." "Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days." (Proverbs 11:25; Luke 6:38; Ecclesiastes 11:1, Revised Standard Version) It may take time for your goodness to bring in a harvest of good from your mate. You don’t sow seed one day and reap on the next. Nevertheless, "whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; . . . So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out."-Galatians 6:7-9.
28 Here are some scriptures and questions for married couples to consider:
Proverbs 14:29: "He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness." If you give yourself time to think, do you not often discover that there’s no good cause to be angry?
Proverbs 17:27: "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit." Do you keep your spirit cool, and hold back words that would make your mate’s spirit hot?
Proverbs 25:11: "As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it." The word that is right at one time may be wrong for another time. Are you perceptive as to what is the right word at the right time?
Proverbs 12:18: "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing." Before you speak, do you stop and think what effect your words will have on your mate?
Proverbs 10:19: "In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly." Sometimes when upset we say more than we mean, and we are sorry afterwards. Do you guard against this?
Proverbs 20:3: "It is a glory for a man to desist from disputing, but everyone foolish will burst out in it." It takes two to argue. Are you mature enough to be the one to stop?
Proverbs 10:12: "Hatred is what stirs up contentions, but love covers over even all transgressions." Do you continually rehash old disputes, or do you love your mate enough to put them behind you?
Proverbs 14:9, "New English Bible": "A fool is too arrogant to make amends; upright men know what reconciliation means." Are you too proud to make concessions and seek peace in your marriage?
Proverbs 26:20: "Where there is no wood the fire goes out." Can you stop arguing, or must you have the last word?
Ephesians 4:26: "Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state." Do you dwell on differences and thereby prolong the misery for both yourself and your mate?
29 Wise counsel benefits only when it is put into practice. Try it out. Similarly, be willing to try the suggestion your mate makes. See if it works. Who is to blame if something goes wrong? That’s not important. What is important is how things can be made right. Be flexible, air differences, talk them out, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Communicate! If you ‘love your mate as you do yourself,’ it should not be too difficult to adjust to the marriage relationship and to make it a happy one.-Matthew 19:19.
[Study Questions]
1. How could the kind of cooperation that is described at Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 benefit one’s marriage?
2, 3. (a) What realities of life must be faced after the wedding day? (b) Why is it only reasonable to expect that adjustments will have to be made after a person gets married?
4. What Scriptural principles could help a married person to make adjustments? (1 Corinthians 10:24; Philippians 4:5)
5. How might one think positively or negatively about one’s marriage mate?
6. When husband and wife really work to make their marriage succeed, how does this affect their relationship with each other?
7. If decisions must be made, when is it good to be yielding?
8, 9. What is the Scriptural view of marital intimacies?
10. What are some things to consider that could help a married couple to adjust sexually?
11-13. When there are disagreements, what should we keep in mind so that the differences do not develop into serious rifts?
14, 15. (a) What can result when one unfavorably compares one’s marriage mate with another person? (b) Regarding what matters are such comparisons at times unwisely made?
16. What is wrong with the theory that violent quarrels help to resolve difficulties?
17. What might be done to prevent disagreements from building up inside oneself and reaching explosive proportions?
18. What might help us to dispel negative moods?
19. How might one deal understandingly with the moods of one’s marriage mate?
20-22. (a) Why is undue jealousy to be avoided? (b) What might be done to give one’s marriage mate a feeling of security?
23. What might beneficially be considered when a person is inclined to seek the help of outsiders in resolving marital problems?
24, 25. What might a person do if pride interferes with the resolving of a marriage problem?
26, 27. What Bible principles should be applied when one’s marriage mate does not respond to efforts to settle differences peacefully, and why?
28. What are some of the fine principles found in the Bible book of Proverbs that can help to promote a happy married life, and how?
29. What are some basics to keep in mind when seeking to maintain a happy marriage?
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